


We Have Survived This Life So Far

by the_real_las



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Bisexual Sirius Black, Depression, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Gay Remus Lupin, Hogwarts, James Potter is a Good Friend, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Mutual Pining, Not Canon Compliant, Oblivious Mutual Pining, Protective Sirius Black, Remus Lupin Bashing, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Remus Lupin Whump, Remus Lupin has Self-Esteem Issues, Remus Lupin is a Good Friend, Sad, Self-Harm, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black is a Good Boyfriend, Sirius Black is a Good Friend, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin Angst, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Tragedy, Werewolf Remus Lupin, Young James Potter, Young Peter Pettigrew, Young Remus Lupin, Young Sirius Black, also trigger warning, but it is sad, but just know that they are a large part of the story, i'm not using archive warnings because i don't want to spoil the fic, so just know that, there will be trigger warnings at the beginning of chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:27:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 30,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28886088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_real_las/pseuds/the_real_las
Summary: Remus Lupin has a lot of secrets, the most obvious one being that he's a werewolf. There are others, too: he's depressed, he has anxiety, he's gay, not to mention what's under his sleeves. And, of course, he's in love with his best friend.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 133
Kudos: 81





	1. Back to School

**Author's Note:**

> chapter trigger warning: self-harm, mention of suicidal thoughts
> 
> what's up, i'm back with another story. i've been playing with this idea for a really long time, and started a first draft a while back. then my depression was like 'lol nope' and i didn't work on it for several months. but here i am now. updates might be slow, because school is shit and i hate it.  
> my best friend actually published her first fic a little bit ago, and it's amazing and kind of inspired me to actually work on something instead of imagining a thousand different fics in my head. so if any of you are in the keeper of the lost cities fandom, go check her out @wisdom_was_here and tell her that i sent you.  
> stay safe, eat and drink something, take ur meds, and remember i love you all sm, you make my day <3  
> ktf xolyn

Remus stumbled down the aisle of the train, dragging a heavy suitcase behind him. Glancing through the window of the left carriage, he sighed in relief when he saw that it was empty. He slid the door open and collapsed on the seat, breathing heavily. The full moon had been the night before, and it was a particularly harsh one. Remus leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

“Remy!”

Startled, the boy jerked away, wincing slightly at the sudden movement. His gaze fell on the tall, dark-haired boy standing in the doorway. “Sirius!” he cried, standing up slowly and stiffly.

Sirius, his hair messy and his eyes sparkling, launched himself into Remus’s arms, wrapping his own tightly around his friend. Remus hissed, as Sirius’s fingers brushed a still healing gash along his back. Sirius frowned. “You ok, Remy?” he asked, looking into the shorter boy’s eyes.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Remus answered smoothly. “I just slept kind of funny last night, and my neck’s kind of sore.” Actually, he had spent last night locked in the basement, howling and crying in pain as he tore at his own flesh and flung himself against the wall. But Sirius didn’t need to know that. 

Sirius nodded sympathetically, buying Remus’s lie without a question. After all, Remus wouldn’t lie to him, right?

“Oi, losers!” Sirius spun around, his eyes lighting up even more. 

“James, my dear friend!” he cried dramatically, throwing his arms wide open, looking as though he hadn’t seen James in years.

“Sirius! Oh, how I missed you!” The two boys flung themselves into each other's arms, sobbing theatrically. Remus shook his head, groaning softly. 

“Sirius, you were at the Potter’s house all summer. Yesterday was the only day you went home,” said Peter, who was still standing in the doorway.

“But Peter,” whined James, “I missed him.”

Remus sat back down, slumping against the wall in the corner, eyes closed. Everything hurt. That one cut on his back felt like it might be bleeding a little. The dark bruises on his chest, stomach, arms, and legs throbbed dully. The light was too bright; it hurt his eyes. His forearm stung every time it moved- well, that was a different pain. That one was good.

The words, the lights, the voices, his friends, all blurred together. Since when was the train so noisy? When did the train sway so much? Remus groaned. His stomach turned, and he thought he might be sick. Better not do it here. 

Just then, the door slid open. “Something from the trolley, dears?” The smells of chocolate, warm pumpkin pastries, licorice, and pumpkin juice wafted in, mixing deliciously– or not. Remus clamped a hand over his mouth, pushed passed the trolley cart with a hasty, murmured apology, and hurried unsteadily down the aisle to the bathroom. 

Once there, he collapsed on the floor by the toilet. Just in time, too, for the next minute his breakfast, if you could call it that (he had just picked at the food and had barely eaten anything), made a grand reappearance in the toilet. 

Remus stayed there, his shoulders shaking, trying to catch his breath. His skin crawled, his body ached, his very soul was tired. Standing up slowly, he walked over to the sink to rinse out his mouth. When he looked in the mirror, he barely recognized the pale, skinny boy staring back. Remus rinsed out his mouth and splashed water on his face. 

Then, calmly, he reached into the pocket of his pants and pulled out a knife. Flicking it open, he glanced in admiration at the wickedly sharp blade. He set it against his already injured wrist and dragged it quickly across, once, twice, a third time. Then, he wiped it on a tissue and slipped it back into his pants, all with a practiced and familiar ease. 

And just in time, too. At the sharp knock on the door, Remus’s head jerked up. “Rem, you ok?” Sirius. Fuck. Take a deep breath. Lie to him.

“Yeah, I’m fine, Sirius. Don’t worry.”

Sirius hesitated. He knew that Remus was anything but fine. He was very worried. It didn’t matter who collected and “ok” Remus sounded. Sirius knew that he was a master at hiding his emotions, how he actually was. Remus was an excellent liar when he needed to be. And Sirius hated when he was the person Remus was lying to. 

“You sure, Remy?”

“I’m sure, Siri. It’s fine. I’ll be out in a minute.” 

Sirius sighed. Perhaps Remus would be out in a minute. Or, perhaps he would stay in there, uset, hurt, crying, Sirius didn’t know.

“Remus,” he started, then trailed off. “Please? Can you let me in?”

Remus inhaled sharply. He felt the blood dripping down his wrist. “I’m fine, Sirius. I’ll be out in a minute.” 

Running his fingers through his hair, Sirius leaned against the wall next to the door, finally sliding down to sit on the floor. He tipped his head back and closed his eyes, trying not to imagine what Remus was doing in the bathroom. 

Remus, on the other side of the thin wall, pushed his sleeve farther up and soaked up the blood with a handful of tissues. The bleeding had mostly stopped, and his sweatshirt was black, so he wasn’t that worried. He dropped the tissues in the toilet and flushed, never wanting to leave bloody tissues in the trash where someone might see. He washed and dried his hands, took a deep breath, and opened the door.

Sirius scrambled to his feet. “Remy? You ok?”

Remus nodded, though he refused to meet Sirius’s eyes. The taller boy sighed softly, then embraced Remus in a tight, loving hug. They stood there for a minute or two. Remus tried to match his breathing to Sirius’s, slowing his rapidly beating heart. Finally, Sirius released him. “Are you actually ok, Remy?” he asked, his voice full of genuine concern.

Again, Remus nodded, and again refused to look at Sirius. Sirius frowned, and tilted Remus’s chin up until he was looking directly into Sirius’s eyes. “Remus, don’t lie to me.”

Remus opened his mouth to speak, then frowned and closed it again, trying to collect himself. “I’m ok, Siri, really. I just got a little sick from the train all of a sudden.”

The frown on Sirius’s face softened. “Oh, Remy, I’m sorry. Are you feeling better now?”

“Yeah,” Remus nodded. “I threw up, but at least now I’m feeling better.” Granted, he had thrown up from anxiety, and he was feeling better because he had cut, but Sirius didn’t need to know that, as much as it hurt Remus to hit things from him. 

There was a lot Remus was hiding from Sirius, so this was nothing new. There was so much, so many things that Sirius had no idea. That Remus was a werewolf. That Remus was depressed. Anxious. Self-harming. Suicidal. Gay. In love with Sirius. But Sirius didn’t need to know. 

Sirius hoped that motion sickness was the only thing wrong with Remus. But he couldn’t be sure. He knew Remus had a lot of secrets. It pained him that Remus felt the need to keep them that way, but Sirius couldn’t blame him. Hell, that would be incredibly hypocritical of him, given how many secrets he had. But Remus didn’t need to know about them. 

“You want to head back to the compartment?” Sirius asked. “James is probably wondering where we went.”

“Probably. He and Peter will have either bored each other to death or annoyed each other to death.”

The two boys walked back to their compartment, Sirius walking confidently with the famous “Black-air” about him, Remus hunched in on himself, fingernails digging into his palm, anxiety coursing through his very soul.

Sirius threw open the compartment door, before loudly announcing their return from an adventure and draping himself across James’s lap. Remus settled in the corner, opposite the other three, as James and Peter had been sitting on the same bench. He leaned his head against the wall, trying to shut out the voices in his head. They were screaming at him; depression, anxiety, self-loathing, all telling him that he would be better off dead. He curled inward even more, praying no one would notice. 

Sirius noticed, though. Elegantly, he removed himself from James and crossed the compartment to sit next to Remus. Wrapping an arm around the smaller boy, he pulled him closer. “You ok, Remy?”

Remus nodded slightly. “Just tired. And a little sick from the train, I think. I’ll be fine.”

“Try to sleep, if you can. You’ll feel better.” 

As Remus nodded, he felt Sirius pull him even closer. “Wake me up when we get there, will you, Siri?” he asked. Now that he said it, he felt all the fatigue from the night before hit him like a train. 

“Of course I will, Remy.” Sirius brushed the hair out of Remus’s eyes and held him close.

As Remus drifted off to sleep, the last thought running through his head was Sirius. When he was with James, and Peter, and everyone else, Sirius was loud and confident, bordering on obnoxious. With Remus, though, he was gentle and caring and protective and caring. Fuck, Remus loved Sirius so badly it hurt. And not as a friend. But Sirius didn’t need to know.


	2. Return to Hogwarts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter trigger warning: suicidal thoughts, mention of self-harm

As the train neared the station, Sirius looked down at Remus, who was still asleep, curled up against him. His face was peaceful, more peaceful than when he was awake. Even when he claimed to be fine, Remus’s eyes were full of pain and sadness and emotions too complex for Sirius to identify. He knew that Remus was anything but fine, and it pained him that Remus constantly shut everyone out. 

The train slowed, then jolted to a halt. Gently, Sirius rubbed Remus’s arm. “We’re here, Remy. You need to wake up.” 

Remus opened his eyes and stretched, wincing slightly. Sirius noticed, but didn’t say anything. Remus was still leaning against Sirius. The older boy was warm and comfortable, and he felt safe. He also didn’t want Sirius to see the tears welling up in his eyes. He wasn’t sure exactly why he was crying, but he didn’t want Sirius, or James and Peter, to see. 

James stood up, a huge smile on his face. That made sense. He belonged here. Hogwarts was home to all four of the boys, but it was most obvious in James. He was a Potter, a pureblood. His family was noble, and he was proud of them. He had a lot of expectations, as would be expected, but he far surpassed them. He was an outstanding chaser on the Quidditch field, he was an excellent student, he was truly gifted. 

“Come on, Remy, we have to go,” Sirius murmured. 

Remus sighed. It’s not that he didn’t like Hogwarts, he really did. Even though he was an outsider, it was still his home. He belonged there. It was that he didn’t want to be there. And by there, he meant this life. He didn’t think that he would come back for his fifth year. Hell, he didn’t think he’d make it past first year, or second, or third, or fourth. This past summer, he spent every day in his bed, thinking about how much he didn’t want to be alive. He rarely left, only to eat when his parents forced him to, to use the bathroom once or twice a day, and to cut. His room was a mess, his desk was a heap of unopened letters from Sirius and James and Peter. Three stacks, the one of Sirius’s letters being significantly higher. Sirius had written to him every single day. And Remus didn’t open any of them, nor did he send any back. Instead, he scrawled a brief note and stuck it in an envelope labeled “Sirius” and left it on one of his bookshelves. That was for if he finally went through with his plan. He didn’t though, partly because he couldn’t even get out of bed, and partly because he wanted to see Sirius one last time. 

And so here he was, basically back at Hogwarts, alive (barely), and still hopelessly in love with his best friend. And that was the worst part. He loved Sirius so much it hurt, and what was almost worse was that Sirius didn’t love him back. Why would he? What was there about Remus to love? He was useless, worthless, better off dead. Soon, hopefully, he would be. Then everything would be better and everyone would forget him and Remus Lupin would be nothing but a vague memory. 

Remus was roused from his depressing thoughts when Sirius stood up. He remained seated, now leaning against the wall, letting his too-long hair fall over his face. He should have cut it months ago, but, like everything else, he was too depressed to do it. It was handy, though, so no one saw the tears in his eyes. 

Sirius crouched down, looking under Remus’s fringe. “You ok, Remy?” 

Remus nodded, refusing to look at Sirius. 

Sirius stood back up, and turned to James and Peter. “You guys go get a coach,” he said. “Remus and I will catch up.” 

“Sounds good,” said James. “Just be quick, or else it’ll leave without you.”

“It’ll be fine, James,” Sirius responded. “If we’re not there in time, we’ll figure it out and meet you in the Great Hall.”  
Once they were alone, Sirius gently helped Remus to his feet, then pulled him into a hug. Remus flinched, but soon relaxed into the taller boy’s embrace. “Remy, what’s wrong?” 

Remus simply shook his head, burying his face in Sirius’s chest. 

“Remus, you’re not ok,” Sirius said gently. “Can you tell me what’s wrong?” 

“N-nothing,” Remus responded, his breath hitching slightly. 

Sirius sighed. “Remus, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. You’re not ok, though, and we both know it.”

“I am,” Remus whispered. “I’m ok, Siri. Really.”

Sirius let go of Remus, and gently lifted his chin until he was looking into the eyes of the younger boy. Remus looked at Sirius for a split second, before his gaze dropped. “I love you, Remy. I’ll always be here for you, ok? I would do anything for you, you know that, right?”

Remus didn’t respond. His heart clenched painfully at those first three words, reminding him that Sirius meant only as a friend. He would give anything for Sirius to love him back, the way he did. He wanted nothing more than to hear those same words from his friend, but know that he meant it as more than a friend. That he meant it the way Remus did. 

Sirius pulled the sleeve of his dark robe over his hand and carefully wiped the tears off of Remus’s cheeks. He pulled him into one last hug, whispering, “I love you, Remy. I love you so much, and I just want you to be ok.”

Remus smiled softly, although his insides twisted at the friendly, and only friendly, meaning behind Sirius’s words.

“We should probably get going,” Sirius said. “Wouldn’t want to be late to the feast.”

Remus nodded again, still not trusting himself to speak. Sirius led the way out of the train onto the platform, the spotted Peter leaning out of one of the few remaining coaches, waving wildly. “Sirius! Remus! Over here!” he called.

The pair hurried over and climbed in. Just in time, too, as the coach in front of them was leaving, heading up to the glowing lights of the castle. The ride was mostly quiet, none of them seemed interested in conversation, though for different reasons. James couldn’t wait to get back on the Quidditch field, where he could be James Potter the Gryffindor Chaser again, and perhaps finally get Lily Evans to go on a date with him. Peter was looking forward to another year of pranks and sneaking out and general mischief. Remus was leaning against the wall, eyes closed, thinking about how much he just wanted to be dead. Sirius was staring at Remus in admiration.

He wished that he could tell Remus how he actually felt, that he could hold him in his arms, soothe his crying, make everything ok. He wished Remus would tell him what was wrong. He wished he could help. He wished he could say those three words and have Remus know that he meant them as more than a friend. But Remus would never love him back. How could he? He was Sirius Black. And Remus, Remus was something so much more unattainable than what Sirius Black could reach. Sirius Black could have anything he wanted, between his money and name and reputation. Anything, that is, except for Remus. Damnit, Sirius was in love with his friend, so in love that it hurt. 

The ride up to the castle was relatively short, and soon all four boys were roused from their thoughts. They left the coach, and followed the surging mass of students up to the Great Hall. They found a spot at the Gryffindor table, near the back of the Great Hall, and settled down. Remus slumped over, laying his head down on his arms. Sirius scooted closer to him, until their legs were touching. 

James leaned across Peter. “Hey, Evans!” he called. 

Lily Evans, who was sitting a few seats down, turned around. Her face fell, however, when she saw who had called her name. “What do you want, Potter?” she spat. 

“Geez, Evans, no need to be so feisty,” James said. “I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to possibly–”

Lily cut him off. “Potter, if you ask me out one more time, I swear will rip off your dick and feed it to the giant squid.”

James winced visibly. “No need to be so graphic,” he said. “I was just going to ask if you wanted to be Charms partners this year?”

She sighed. “Potter, there is no force in heaven or on earth that could make me willingly be your partner in anything.” With that, she flipped her hair and returned to her previous conversation.

James shook his head sadly. “It was worth a shot,” he muttered.

“Dude,” said Sirius, “if you keep asking her out she’s probably going to shoot you.”

“I know, I know,” he groaned. “But she’s so fucking amazing and I’ve liked her for so long. Like you would get it, Siri.”

Sirius snorted. That couldn’t be farther from the truth, but obviously James didn’t know that. No one did. No one could. Especially Remus. Sirius would probably die if Remus ever found out. 

Before he could come up with some scathing reply, a hush fell over the hall as Professor McGonagall led a long line of first years into the room, bringing with her the Sorting Hat. James leaned across the table and nudged Remus. “Oi, Remus!” he whisper-yelled. “Wake your lazy ass up, it’s time for the Sorting.”

Remus groaned, lifting his head. There was already a first-year seated on the stool, but he couldn’t pay attention to what the Sorting Hat announced. The cheering, the chatter, it all blended together. He paid no attention, instead picking at the worn hem of his robe and losing himself inside his head. 

In what seemed like no time at all, the Sorting was over and food had appeared on the tables. At the gentle encouragement of Sirius, Remus gave himself a meager helping of food, and proceeded to push it around on his plate for the entirety of the meal. Sirius noticed, of course, but didn’t say anything. He knew Remus had already had a rough day. 

Remus didn’t eat dinner, and he didn’t eat dessert, and he barely listened to Dumbledore’s speech. Instead, he thought. He thought about himself, and how much he hated himself, and how much he wished he were dead. He thought about his cuts, and he thought about the most recent full moon. He also thought about Sirius. How gorgeous he was, sitting there, chatting, enjoying himself. His laugh, his smile, his twinkling eyes, his dark hair. Fuck, Remus loved Sirius so much. 

Remus followed Sirius when he stood up, and walked with his friends to the Gryffindor Tower. They talked and laughed and joked, but Remus walked a few paces behind them and didn’t say anything. They all went up to their room, where House Elves had placed their trunks. 

James pulled out a box of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans, but Remus just climbed into his bed and pulled the curtains shut. He listened miserably as the others played a card game and the loser of each round had to eat a bean. He listened as they finally stopped playing and went to bed. He listened as their breathing evened out, one by one falling asleep. And he lay there, listening to the silence, praying that if he slept, he wouldn’t wake up in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyy i can't study for finals but apparently i can crank out a 2000 word chapter in one sitting. idk  
> anyways, enjoy this chapter, comment if u want to, it honestly motivates me so fucking much.  
> love you all sm, stay safe <3  
> ktf xolyn


	3. It's Probably Suspicious if James Finds Sirius in Remus's Bed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter trigger warning: suicidal thoughts, mentions of self harm

Sirius woke up to the sound of soft, muffled crying. He rolled over, glancing at his clock. 5:00 am. Still mostly asleep, Sirius rolled over again and closed his eyes. Then he stopped. It was Remus crying, wasn’t it?

He pulled back one of the curtains, putting on a crumpled t-shirt from the floor. Quietly, so as not to wake the others, he tip-toed across the room to Remus’s bed, where the curtains were drawn tightly. “Remus?” he said softly. 

Remus froze. Fuck. The last thing he needed right now was Sirius. He didn’t want Sirius to see him like this: exhausted, crying, bleeding. Of course, he wanted nothing more than to have Sirius hold him, whisper that it would be ok, wipe away his tears, dandage his wrists, and kiss him. But Sirius would never do that.

Sirius’s heart ached. Remus was in so much pain. Emotionally, it was clear to Sirius that Remus was a mess. Physically, he didn’t know, but prayed that it wasn’t the case. He wanted nothing more than to hold Remus, whisper that it would be ok, wipe away his tears, and kiss him. But Remus would never let him do that.

“You ok, Remy?”

Remus knew that he couldn’t trust his voice. He nodded slightly, then realized Sirius wouldn’t be able to see. “Yeah,” he whispered.

Sirius sighed. “That’s bullshit, Remy.”

There was a minute of silence. “Can I come in, Remy?” Sirius asked softly.

“N-no,” said Remus, his voice barely audible. As much as he wanted Sirius to comfort him, he didn’t want Sirius to see him like this. He wanted Sirius to think that he was still somewhat ok, even if it wasn’t true.

“Remy,” begged Sirius, “please. You’re not ok. Can I please come in?” 

Remus hesitated. He grabbed the dark sweater from the end of his bed and pulled it on, shoving his blade back in his wallet and deep in his pocket. “O-ok,” he whispered.

Sighing in relief, Sirius pulled back the curtain and climbed into Remus’s bed. The smaller boy was curled in on himself, against the headboard in the corner of the bed.

Remus’s eyes, full of tears, looked everywhere except for Sirius, refusing to meet the older boy’s gaze. He felt the blood drip down his wrist. The bruises on his back throbbed dully. His heart ached for the perfect boy in front of him.

Sirius knelt just in front of Remus. “Look at me,” he whispered.

Remus shook his head.

“Please, Remy?”

Another shake.

“Can I touch you?”

Remus hesitated, not sure what he wanted or needed. But fuck, Sirius was always so considerate. He had noticed very early on that Remus could not handle being touched, especially when he was like this. Remus opened his mouth, then closed it again. The words wouldn’t come out. Remus wasn’t even sure what he was trying to say. 

Fuck, it hurt Sirius to see Remus in so much pain. He needed to be strong for Remus, though, and he pushed it all to the back. Remus looked down at his lap, and Sirius watched a tear roll down the smaller boy’s cheek. 

Sirius moved towards Remus, slowly, watching him carefully. He stopped when he was kneeling just in front of the crying boy. He gently lifted Remus’s chin, and the pair made eye contact for a split second, before Remus looked away. “What’s wrong, Remy?” Sirius asked softly.

Remus didn’t say anything. He swallowed a whimper, and another tear rolled down his cheek. 

“Can I give you a hug?” asked Sirius.

Remus nodded, and Sirius immediately pulled the smaller boy onto his lap and into a warm embrace. Tears continued to slowly run down Remus’s face. Sirius noticed, of course, and wiped them away. “Shh, it’s ok,” he murmured. “Everything will be ok, Remy.”

Remus shook his head. It wasn’t ok. And it wouldn’t be ok. So many things weren’t ok. So many things wouldn’t be ok. Sirius ran his slender fingers through Remus’s hair, pushing it away from his face, but Remus just shook it back over his eyes. 

They sat there, Remus crying and Sirius holding him, for probably 20 minutes. Remus was exhausted. He had barely gotten any sleep, and it had been full of tossing and turning and nightmares and pain. Sirius was holding one of Remus’s hands, rubbing little circles on the back of it, helping him to relax.

Finally, Remus fell asleep, slumped against Sirius’s chest. The older boy smiled down at him, glad that he was going to get at least a little bit of rest before classes started. It was their fifth year. That meant O.W.L.s. and so much homework. And stress. And figuring out N.E.W.T.s. And Sirius didn’t want to think about it.

Gently, he laid down, keeping his arms wrapped around Remus, and pressed a kiss to the forehead of the sleeping boy. “I fucking love you, Remy,” he said.

Sirius, though he would never admit it, was also pretty tired, and soon he fell asleep as well, still cuddled up to Remus. As he drifted off, he vaguely hoped that James wouldn’t find them in the morning and jump to some absurd conclusion. 

Remus was fast asleep, not bothered by nightmares or insomnia. The best part, though, was the dream. He dreamed that he fell asleep against Sirius. Sirius had helped him lay down, then kissed his forehead and whispered, “I fucking love you, Remy.” 

And that had been just enough to rouse Remus, and he had whispered back, “I love you too, Siri,” and then boldly pressed a kiss against Sirius’s lips.

And then the dream had faded away, and everything was black, but that was enough, because there were no nightmares and no pain and Remus might actually feel sort of ok in the morning. 

Of course, Sirius always had the worst luck. He woke up a few hours later to an empty bed and James throwing a glass of ice cold water on his face. “What the actual fuck, James?” he sputtered.

“First of all,” said James, “you’re late. We have exactly 7 minutes and 43 seconds until Transfiguration, and McGonagall will probably castrate you if you’re late on the first day. Especially since it’s O.W.L.s year. Just for that, she’ll probably take the balls too.

Sirius winced. 

“Also,” James continued, “why the fuck are you in Remus’s bed. Please tell me you didn’t try to do something stupid.”

Luckily for Sirius, who had no idea how to respond to that (because really, there wasn’t a good explanation that didn’t let James know that Remus had been crying), Remus and Peter walked up next to James. Remus was carrying a few pieces of toast wrapped in a napkin.

“We couldn’t sleep last night,” Remus lied smoothly, no trace of deceit visible on his face. “So we were playing cards on my bed, so we wouldn’t wake you up, and I guess we just fell asleep at some point.” He turned to Sirius, handing him the napkin. “Peter and I brought you breakfast. Also you should probably get dressed, because we now have-” he looked at James.

“6 minutes and 12 seconds,” James finished. 

“And it sure would be a shame if you were to be late,” added Peter, “and McGonagall were to castrate you. And then you would have to explain to your dear old mother why the Black line ends with you.”

Sirius winced again. No one would put it past Professor McGonagall to castrate anyone who was late. “Fuck my dear old mother,” he groaned. “I don’t give a damn what she thinks.”

Despite what Sirius did or didn’t give a damn about, he rolled out of bed and hurried into the bathroom, throwing on his uniform and loosely tying his tie. He brushed his teeth and pissed. Remus handed him the toast, and they gathered up their book bags before running out the door to the Transfiguration classroom. 

They were just in time, luckily, as they all valued their junk and would much rather prefer that it stayed attached to their bodies. They all managed to slide into seats before Professor McGonagall called class to order. Remus was in his usual seat, in the far back corner. He could be out of the way there. No one would look at him. 

Some Hufflepuff handed out the syllabi, and Remus glanced over his. It was standard 5th year Transfiguration, an emphasis on preparation for the O.W.L.s at the end of the year. Nothing unexpected. Professor McGonagall launched into her start-of-the-year lecture, and Remus zoned out. 

Sirius was sort of paying attention, but McGonagall was droning on and on and on, and he was bored. He glanced over at Remus, two seats away from him. He had his head in his hands, not sleeping, but clearly not paying any attention at all. Fuck, Remus was most definitely not ok. He would never admit it though, and it hurt Sirius so much to see him like that. 

He tore off a scrap of parchment and scrawled out a messy “you ok?” He crumpled it up, and, when Professor McGonagall had her back to the class, threw it at Remus. It hit Remus on the side of the head. He looked up, long hair hiding his face. He glanced at the note, refused to look at Sirius, and shoved it in the pocket of his robes.

Truth be told, Remus was not ok. He was anything but ok. While Sirius had been daydreaming about asking his friend out, Remus had been planning a detailed suicide plan, which revolved mainly around the Astronomy tower, and whether or not he would be able to get onto the roof. 

Remus put his head back in his hands and went back to being overwhelmed by the sadness and pain and self-loathing, wishing desperately that he could just cease to exist. That he could have just never existed. It would be so much simpler than this living hell that consisted of his depression and werewolf-ness and love for Sirius Black. 

Sirius watched Remus closely. He had hidden his face, but Sirius was pretty sure he was crying. He watched him, wishing he could hold him and kiss him and make everything ok. But things weren’t ok, and no matter how much Remus pretended they were and lied that they were, they weren’t. And Remus knew it, and Sirius knew it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyy, third chapter and yes i'm still alive. finals last week fucked me over, but i didn't fail and i didn't die, so there's that.  
> i hope you enjoyed this chapter, and all its wonderful wonderful pain. if so, i would really appreciate it if you left kudos/comments (they really motivate me to write), but absolutely no pressure.  
> hope you guys are staying safe. eat something, drink some water, take ur meds, i love you all sm  
> ktf xolyn


	4. So Give Them Blood, Blood, Gallons of the Stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning

Remus was walking a few paces behind the others, watching Peter and Sirius laugh at a joke James made. They were on the way to the Potions dungeon, and Remus really didn’t want to go. He could just duck into the bathroom. No one would notice. Of course they wouldn’t.

The mass of students started down the long corridor to the dungeon, but Remus sidestepped a group of Slytherins and went into the bathroom. He stood, bent over the farthest sink, listening as the noisy chatter of students grew fainter and fainter.

“Deep breaths, Remus,” he said to himself, as the familiar spikes of panic shot through his chest. His heart pounded and he gasped for air. A faint, persistent buzzing filled his head. “Fuck,” he gasped,” sinking to his knees, “fuck, fuck, fuck.” The fear was paralyzing, he couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe; the quick and shallow breaths didn’t do much. 

His hands shook, and he frantically dug his nails into the back of his hand. Again and again, he tore at his flesh until the little droplets of blood welled up. His head was spinning, and he felt so disconnected from himself, from reality. 

He couldn’t feel the cold tile under his knees, or the nails digging into his flesh, or the dull throbbing of the bruises on his torso. Only pure, unadulterated panic coursing through his veins. It felt as though a giant hand was squeezing his chest, cutting off his ability to breath, to think, to feel. Remus tugged at his hair, still gasping for breath. He choked out another strangled series of, “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

Slowly, painfully, after some time (Remus didn’t know how long), he managed to calm down a little bit. He struggled to his feet and stumbled into the farthest stall. He locked the door and sank onto his knees, slumping against the wall.

Remus rolled up his sleeve, revealing angry cuts and fading scars. He pulled out his blade and dragged it across his wrist. Almost immediately the blood welled up, gathering in small droplets before running down the side of his arm. So fascinating, so captivating, so beautiful. Remus slashed again and again. He shoved the blade back into his pocket and leaned back. 

Tears trickling down his face, he watched the blood run down his arm. He listened to the ‘drip, drip, drip’ of the little beads of blood hitting the floor. He thought about death; how welcoming, how sweet, it seemed. He thought about Sirius, and how much he loved him.

“Remus?”

Remus froze. It was fucking Sirius Black. Remus felt the most confusing mix of emotions. He desperately wanted Sirius to go, to leave him alone, definitely not to see him like this. On the other hand, he fucking loved Sirius, and just wanted the older boy to hold him, to comfort him, to kiss him.

“Remus, I know you’re in there.”

Remus didn’t move. It was so quiet. Remus could hear the droplets of blood hitting the floor, the beating of his own heart, Sirius’s concerned breath, that one sink that always dripped. His bruises were starting to fade, he realized. They throbbed less, were less painful where he was leaning against the wall. The cuts on his back were no longer threatening to bleed with every movement. 

His eyes were drawn back to his bloody wrist. There was so much of it; so red, so raw, so beautiful, his own little red river down the inside of his arm, his own little red sea on the white tile of the bathroom floor. It was mesmerizing. Remus couldn’t look away. The pain had dulled, it felt so far away. Everything did. Remus was floating, nothing clear except for the bright red.

Cloud-like was a good description. Remus felt like he was floating on a cloud. No thoughts, just floating, filled his head. He was light. It looked like he was high up, looking down at everything through a layer of clouds. Except for the bright red of the blood that shone through, glistening and sickening and beautiful.

“Remus, open the door, damnit!”

Why was thinking so hard? Remus couldn’t focus on Sirius’s words. He only heard the tone, and hoped Sirius wasn’t mad at him. He didn’t think he would even be able to get up to open the door at this point. It’s ok, though. Remus didn’t mind. The cloud was so nice. He was weightless. 

“Remus, please, can you please open the door?”

Remus wondered if Sirius was also on a cloud. He wasn’t on the same cloud, but maybe Sirius had a different cloud. Remus hoped Sirius had a cloud. It was so peaceful. It was calming. It didn’t hurt. Maybe Remus could stay on the cloud forever. 

He couldn’t hear Sirius anymore. Maybe Sirius had left. He wouldn’t be surprised. Everyone leaves eventually. Or, maybe Sirius had gotten caught up in his own cloud. Or his cloud had gone away from Remus’s. It was ok, though. Remus couldn’t focus, even on Sirius. It was so much better to just sit there, floating, than trying to think. 

Drip, drip, drip. Barely aware of what he was doing, Remus took his shaking fingers and dipped them in the blood and brought them up to his face. There was so much of it. It was all over the floor and his arm and his clothes. He wiped his fingers off on his robe. A little more blood wouldn’t hurt it. And it was black, so it wouldn’t show. He would wash it later. 

Remus wondered what it would be like to die. Would it hurt? Would he feel it coming? Would it just be like falling asleep? Would it creep up on him, without him even realizing it? Remus wasn’t sure which he would prefer. And obviously it would depend on how he died. He thought about death a lot. He thought about all the different ways to kill himself. Magic or muggle, there were so many options. He could jump, hang himself, slit his wrists and bleed out. He could take pills, drown himself, use a spell. If it were winter, he could make sure he got locked out of the castle and then freeze to death in the snow. So many options. Remus wasn’t sure what he would do. His current plan was probably to jump off the Astronomy Tower, provided he could get up there without a teacher or student realizing. 

Remus let the thoughts of suicide drift away on a passing cloud. His mind was pleasantly clear. For once, it was quiet in his head. The silence was almost unnerving; Remus was used to the constant stream of thoughts and pain and sadness and numbness. This emptiness was different from the numbness. The numbness was overwhelming and terrible, but with this, Remus was at peace.

He vaguely wondered what time it was, whether the period was over, if anyone had noticed his absence. Probably no one did. He didn’t know why they would. Nobody cared about the quiet Gryffindor who always sat in the back and never talked. Even if they pretended to care, surely no one actually did. 

Once again, his barely-there thoughts drifted back to Sirius. Fuck, he loved Sirius. It hurt so badly, especially knowing that Sirius would never feel the same way. Hell, Sirius probably didn’t even like Remus. He probably just tolerated him, same with James and Peter. Because they were the Gryffindor boys in their year, and they weren’t total assholes, so they just let Remus hang out with them. They probably didn’t even notice that Remus hadn’t been in Potions.

“Remus, I swear if you don’t open the door right now, I’m going to break it down.”

Remus was floating farther away. He couldn’t feel the floor or the wall or anything. The blood was duller now. That was a shame. It had been so bright and pretty. His head was so tired. He leaned back, resting it against the wall. The cloud seemed to envelope Remus. He could barely see the dull red blood anymore. He closed his eyes.

The last thing he registered was a far away crashing sound and the pained gasp of a familiar voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi please don't kill me i am sorry  
> yes i am going to update this, hopefully really soon  
> if you wanna maybe comment? (i swear your comments make my day so much better and help motivate me)  
> again i am very sorry and yes i will be updating this very soon
> 
> stay safe, eat something, drink some water, take your meds. i love you so much  
> ktf xolyn


	5. And They Found You on the Bathroom Floor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning

When Sirius got to the Potions dungeon, he slumped down at a table and buried his head in his arms. It’s not that he didn’t like Potions, but he really wasn’t in the mood today. The table was at the back of the poorly lit room, so he stayed like that while Professor Slughorn went through the same beginning-of-O.W.L.-year-rambling-boring-monologue that Sirius had already heard multiple times. 

He groaned. Loudly. James poked him. “Shut the hell up, Sirius,” he whisper-yelled. It’s not that James cared about Sirius interrupting class, James was a fucking prodegy at everything, he just really didn’t want to listen to his best friend’s whining. 

Sirius raised his head, just looked at James, and then flopped back down. He didn’t have the energy to fight with James. Instead, he let his thoughts wander. Naturally, they drifted immediately towards Remus. 

Fuck, Sirius was so in love with Remus that it physically hurt. Sirius couldn’t get enough of the younger boy. He was like a drug, and Sirius was addicted. He was intoxicating. And Sirius didn’t care. He craved it. He welcomed it. Everything about Remus was captivating. Sirius loved the way his slightly-too-long hair fell over his face (though Remus made it look good), hiding his mesmerizing hazel eyes. He loved the way his eyes lit up when he was excited or happy, neither of which he had seen in a long time. He loved his smile, tugging at the corners of his mouth as Remus tried to hide it. Fuck, he loved every single damn thing about Remus. 

He knew Remus was anything but ok, and it hurt him to see Remus in so much pain. He desperately wished that he would talk to Sirius. He wanted to hold him and comfort him and try to make things ok. But Remus wouldn’t talk to him, or to anyone, and Sirius was worried that it would become too much for him. 

He didn’t know what exactly Remus was dealing with, but he knew that it was bad. He kept so many secrets, and Sirius feared that they would become the death of him. He strongly suspected that Remus was severely depressed, probably had multiple anxiety disorders. He noticed all the little quirks and habits of his friend. He knew that Remus barely ate, barely slept, barely spoke. He saw the pain and emptiness in his eyes. 

Remus disappeared regularly, always with some vague excuse. Sirius had once believed him, but now he knew that he was lying. What Remus was trying to hide, though, Sirius didn’t know. 

He was afraid that Remus had secret habits, habits that he made sure not a single soul knew about, habits that were dangerous, habits that were destructive. 

Sirius stiffened. Remus wasn’t in class, was he? Sirius sat up, looking quickly around. Sure enough, Remus wasn’t in the room. Sirius was sure that Remus had walked to the dungeons with them. Actually, did he? Sirius couldn’t exactly remember. Fuck, this was bad.

He turned back to the front of the room, where Professor Slughorn was writing something on the board. He sighed impatiently. His fingers drummed anxiously on the table top. James looked over at him. “Dude, relax,” he said softly.

Sirius didn’t look at him.

James frowned. He reached over and gently put his hand over Sirius’s. “Hey, it’s ok,” he said. “You good?”

Sirius shrugged. “I’m fine, I think. School’s getting to me already.” James nodded sympathetically, accepting Sirius’s explanation without a question. Just like Remus, how they all accepted his lies and believed he was fine.

Sirius raised his hand. “Professor Slughorn?” he asked.

The Potions professor turned around, surprised. “Yes, Mr. Black?”

“I’m not feeling well,” he said bluntly. “Can I go see Madam Pomfrey?”

Professor Slughorn frowned. “Of course. Hurry up.”

Sirius scooped up his books, shoved them in his bag, and hurried out of the classroom. He remembered to try and look a little bit sick.

He paused, trying to think where Remus would have gone. He doubted Remus would have gone all the way back to the Tower, and he was pretty sure he had come at least part-way to the dungeons. He started back up the long hallway, stopping a few minutes later in front of the bathroom. Remus had probably ducked into it, unnoticed among the large crowd of noisy students. 

Pushing the door open gently, Sirius walked into the bathroom, praying that Remus was inside. There was no one immediately visible, no Remus. Sirius was pretty sure that there was someone in the farthest stall. He heard a very faint dripping, the sound of small sniffles, someone trying to go unnoticed.

“Remus?” Sirius asked softly.

He stood there, waiting for the response he knew wouldn’t come. Sure enough, the bathroom was silent. That confirmed for him that it was Remus. If it wasn’t, the person in there would almost definitely have said something. He sighed.

“Remus, I know you’re in there.”

Again, there was nothing. Fuck, this was bad. This was very very bad. Sirius was starting to freak out. He ran his fingers through his hair. He needed to calm down. Remus was in trouble, and Sirius needed to not also be freaking out. 

He started pacing back and forth, back and forth, breathing slowly and evenly, trying to calm himself down. The thoughts, the possibilities of what Remus might be doing in there, raced through his head. He tried to push them away, but they pushed right back. He was absolutely terrified. 

Finally, he managed to get his panic back under control. He was still terrified, but he was no longer on the verge of a panic attack. “Remus, open the door, damnit!” he yelled. 

Still, Remus didn’t say anything, didn’t move, made no sign that he had heard or was even in the stall. All of the terrible possibilities crowded to the forefront of Sirius’s brain. Against his will, images flashed through his head. Remus in the middle of a silent, horrible panic attack. Remus slumped unconscious with an empty bottle of pills next to him. Remus with slashes on both his wrists, lying on the floor in a pool of bright red blood.

He set his hand on the door and leaned his head against it. “Remus, please, can you open the door?” he begged. 

Why the fuck didn’t Remus say anything? The fear was paralyzing. Sirius could barely breathe, barely focus on anything. The only thing he could think about was the very real possibility that the boy he loved was lying dead on the bathroom floor a few feet away from him. If only he had noticed when Remus left, paid more attention to him, done something- anything- to keep him from whatever it was that was happening.

Break down the door. That’s what he needed to do. He needed to get in. He needed to make sure Remus was ok. Fuck, he needed Remus to be ok. He didn’t know what he would do if Remus died. Remus couldn’t die. Sirius wouldn’t be able to live without Remus. Even if he was never able to tell Remus that he loved him, he had Remus as his friend, and that was enough.

“Remus, I swear if you don’t open this door right now, I’m going to break it down.”

He silently begged that Remus would say something, anything, after the threat. But there was no sign that Remus was in the stall or that he had even heard. “Fuck it,” Sirius whispered to himself.

He braced himself, then swung his leg at the door. Hard. The metal lock bent under the force of Sirius’s kick, the combination of love, fear, and accidental magic more than enough to break it. The door slammed against the wall. Sirius rushed in. He gasped. None of the images he had previously imagined could have prepared him for the sight. 

Remus was laying, slumped against the far wall. His left sleeve was rolled up, revealing a bloody, mangled mess. There was a small pool of blood on the floor. Remus was deathly pale. His chest rose and fell a tiny bit; the shallow breaths were few and labored, threatening to stop entirely. 

Sirius fell to his knees. His mind excruciatingly numb and painful and screaming at him to do something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this might be the fastest update?  
> again i am very sorry and i promise i will update very soon and i would appreciate it if you didn't kill me  
> if you wanna comment i love seeing them and they make me so fucking happy
> 
> hope you're all doing ok. please stay safe and take care of yourselves. i love you  
> ktf xolyn


	6. It's a Lot Easier to Steal Potions Than it Should Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mild trigger warning

Sirius was frozen. He was unable to move, paralyzed by fear and horror and despair. All he could do was look. Remus, one of his best friends, the boy he loved, was unconscious on the bathroom floor. He was slumped in a pool of his own blood, which still trickled from his wrist. He couldn’t have moved if he tried. 

He stood there, for what felt like an eternity. In reality, it was probably only a few seconds. A thousand thoughts, all horrifying, ran through his head. He tried to clear his head, to shake away the fuzziness and panic. He needed to do something, anything, to save Remus. “Oh, fuck,” he whispered, tugging at his hair.

Finally, he snapped into action, rushing to Remus’s side. He gently took Remus’s wrist, and ran his wand over the deep gashes, murmuring, “Vulnera sanentur” each time he traced a cut. He watched as the skin stitched itself back together, until only thick scars were left, criss-crossing over the many smaller ones underneath. 

Sirius ran his fingers over them, barely touching the younger boy’s skin. His heart ached so badly. Remus was hurting so badly, enough that he felt the need to take it out on himself. And Sirius had never noticed. He didn’t want to think about how long it had been going on. Judging by the layers of scars, he would guess a few years. He had to stop thinking about it. It hurt too much.

He leaned back a little bit, tired from how much magic the healing spell had used. He glanced at the blood on the floor, before waving his wand over it and whispering, “Tergeo,” watching it all vanish. He could feel the magical exhaustion in his bones. He had never used such a powerful healing spell before, and it had taken a lot out of him.

Remus was far from ok, though. Sirius looked back down at him. A little bit of color had returned to his deathly pale cheeks, and his breathing seemed a little less labored. Of course, Sirius didn’t know that Remus was a werewolf, and therefore had an extremely high healing factor. 

He needed to get a blood-replenishing potion. He knew the hospital wing was stocked with them, but he wouldn’t be able to steal one, and Madam Pomfrey wouldn’t give him one without an explanation. As much as he wanted to take Remus to the hospital wing, he was afraid of what they would do to him, in order to keep him “safe.” Besides, he knew Remus would never forgive him. 

Professor Slughorn had blood-replenishing potions in his stock, Sirius was sure of it. He just needed to steal one, and quickly. He didn’t want to leave Remus, though. He weighed the two options. Remus was unconscious on the floor, close to death. Slughorn was still teaching a class, though, and Sirius would easily be able to get into his office to get the potion. He knew from experience that Professor Slughorn often forgot to lock his office during class. 

Remus needed the potion. He bent over the smaller boy. He looked so vulnerable laying there. Quickly, Sirius pressed a kiss against Remus’s forehead. “I love you, Remy,” he whispered. “I’ll be right back.”

He stood, closed the door to the stall, and sprinted out of the bathroom.As fast as he could, he ran to Professor Slughorn’s office. Sure enough, it was unlocked. He tip-toed in, across the rug, to the cabinet against the far wall. He flung it open, found the blood-replenishing potions on the fourth shelf, and took one, slipping it into the pocket of his robe.

He ran back to the bathroom and rushed into the stall, trying desperately to catch his breath. Remus was still laying there, unmoving, but a distinct pink color on his cheeks. Sirius knelt over the boy, pouring the potion down his throat a little bit at a time, massaging it gently to help him swallow. 

Finally, the potion was gone. Sirius vanished the flask and sat back on his heels. He watched Remus’s breathing become more and more steady. A little bit of color was coming back to his cheeks. He grasped Remus’s hand in his, rubbing the back of it gently, his thumbs tracing tiny circles over and over again. 

“Come on, Remy, please wake up,” he whispered. It was an eternity that he sat there, silently begging Remus to wake up. 

Remus opened his eyes, groaning softly. He looked around, confused. Sirius saw the instant he realized where he was, the immediate fear that filled his eyes. Remus froze. “I- I didn’t mean to,” he whispered, starting to panic. “I didn’t mean to, Siri, I swear I didn’t. It was an accident.” He was hyperventilating now, unable to stop.

Sirius grabbed both his hands. “Shh, Remus, it’s ok,” he said. “I know you didn’t. It’s ok. Can you try focusing on my breathing?”

Remus nodded quickly. Sirius helped him calm down, easing him out of the beginning of a panic attack. Sirius himself was mostly just relieved that it hadn’t been a suicide attempt. Remus must have just lost control, or not realized how deep. Obviously Sirius was still worried sick and scared, but maybe Remus wasn’t suicidal. Even if he cut, it didn’t mean that he was suicidal. The two went hand in hand most of the time, but weren’t necessarily dependent on each other.

Remus hadn’t actively been trying to kill himself, at least not that time. He had just gone overboard. Then again, he wouldn’t have minded dying. In fact, he would have welcomed it gladly. He was more than a little frustrated that he had woken up. And absolutely terrified that Sirius now knew one of his secrets.

Both boys were now sitting on the bathroom floor, opposite each other. Sirius looked at Remus. “Why, Remy?” he whispered.

Remus just shrugged.

“Remy, you’ve got to have a reason. You can’t just shrug this away. You can’t just pretend it’s all ok.”

Remus wouldn’t look at Sirius. He was afraid that if he did, he would start crying or start talking and tell Sirius everything. 

A tear rolled down Sirius’s cheek. “Please, Remy, you can talk to me.”

Remus gave a slight shake of his head. “It’s fine, Siri,” he whispered.

“That’s bullshit, Remus, and you know it,” Sirius said firmly. 

Remus shrugged again. 

Sirius sighed. “It’s ok, Remy,” he said. “I won’t make you talk to me. But you can always come to me. You can come, whenever you want to–” he trailed off, gesturing vaguely around them at the bathroom stall. “You don’t have to talk, but it’s better than this.”

Remus gave a sort of half smile, still refusing to look at the older boy. “Did you tell anyone?” he asked softly.

Sirius shook his head. “But if you can’t stop, I’ll need to,” he said. “This isn’t healthy. It’s not good. I can’t lose you, Remy. I love you.”

Remus flinched inwardly, the way he did whenever Sirius said those three words. It was his way of reminding himself that Sirius loved him as a friend, and only as a friend, that Sirius would never love him back, not like that.

Sirius wished that he could tell Remus that he loved him, and not just as a friend. But that would destroy their friendship. Remus was the one thing that Sirius Black could never have, and that was going to be what tore Sirius apart. He couldn’t tell Remus. Remus would never love him back, not like that.

“Class is probably almost over,” Sirius said. “You want to head back to the Tower?” 

Remus shrugged. 

Sirius bit his lip. “Ok, let’s go. It’ll be more comfy there. And we don’t have class for the rest of the afternoon.”

He stood up, stretching his sore legs a little bit. He held out a hand and helped Remus to his feet. Remus was still pretty unsteady, probably shouldn’t even be walking around. Actually, he should be laying in the hospital wing, getting the medical attention that he clearly needed. Sirius knew it wasn’t worth the fight. Remus would never willingly go. He would just need to keep a very close eye on his friend.

Together, the two boys slowly made their way back to the Gryffindor Tower. Sirius helped Remus into their dorm and tucked him into bed. He lay down on his own bed, trying to stop the thoughts from coming. All he could think about was what could have happened, if he didn’t get to the bathroom in time. 

He heard Remus’s breathing even out, and he got up, walking over to his bed. Sure enough, Remus was fast asleep. Sirius pressed another gentle kiss to his forehead, and pulled the curtains closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay, another chapter  
> sorry this one took me longer than i was anticipating. the next one also might be a little bit slow. my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday (day after valentine's day) and it's rough. i should get it out within a week tho
> 
> hope you guys are all doing ok, and if not i'm sending virtual hugs and cookies. try to eat something, drink some water, get a little bit of sleep, and take ur meds. i love you all so much
> 
> ktf xolyn


	7. Mutual Pining with a Side of Emotional Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning

When Remus woke up, he was laying on his bed. His arm hurt a lot, and he had no memory of going to sleep. Fuck. It all came flashing back: skipping potions, the panic attack in the bathroom, cutting. There was so much blood. Why hadn’t he died? He didn’t mean to cut so deep, it was honestly an accident this time. Fuck, it was Sirius. Sirius found him. Sirius had saved him. Sirius knew. 

Why couldn’t he have just died? Sure, he hadn’t been trying to kill himself, but it would have been nice. He was so fucking sick of everything, of the pain, of living. He just wanted to die. He wanted it to end. He wanted to disappear. But of-fucking-course Sirius had to find him, had to get there just in time. 

Was it a coincidence that Sirius happened to come into the bathroom at just the right moment? Or had Sirius noticed his absence and gone looking for him? Did Sirius suspect something was wrong, something that caused him to frantically search for Remus? Was it just an inconveniently timed piss? Was Sirius looking for him, but blissfully unaware that anything might possibly be wrong?

It didn’t matter. What mattered was that Sirius was now aware of Remus’s cutting, and probably suspected that he was suicidal. Obviously he had good reason to: he had just found one of his friends bleeding out on the bathroom floor. Remus was just glad that Sirius didn’t know his other secrets. 

As much as he loved Sirius, he didn’t want him to know. He had so many secrets, he hid behind so many layers, over the course of several years, he had built up so many walls. And he was scared to let anyone, even Sirius, in. If Remus could have it his way, he would simply disappear, cease to exist. Then, all the pain, all the problems, would stop.

He did love Sirius so much, though. And the knowledge that Sirius would never love him back hurt almost as much as everything else. If Remus could have one thing, other than death, it would be to have Sirius love him back. When he wasn’t daydreaming about dying, he was daydreaming about Sirius.

He could almost feel Sirius’s arms around him, almost feel Sirius’s lips against his. He could almost hear Sirius’s voice, imagined him standing behind him, arms draped loosely around his waist, chin resting on his shoulder. He imagined Sirius’s warm laugh in his ear, a soft kiss pressed against his cheek.

And then, Remus opened his eyes. He was laying on his side, curled up on his bed. He was alone. He wrapped his arms around himself, pressing his face into the comforter, trying to muffle the sound of his tears. He closed his eyes, once again trying to imagine Sirius. 

But it was gone. He couldn’t feel him, couldn’t hear him. The emptiness, the loneliness, were unbelievable and unable to be ignored. Remus tried to stop the tears, but they just kept coming.

Sirius lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, lost in thought. He thought about Remus. Fuck, he loved Remus so much. He thought about kissing the shorter boy. His arms would be around Remus’s waist, holding him close. Remus would wrap his arms around Sirius’s neck, standing on the tips of his toes, his lips against Sirius’s. 

Remus would smile, and Sirius would feel it. Sirius imagined looking down at Remus, and seeing him look back up at him, nothing but love and admiration in both of their eyes. Sirius would lean down and kiss him again and again, and Remus would kiss him back. Everything would be ok. It would be the two of them in their own little world, where nothing mattered except for each other.

Sirius imagined standing behind Remus, his arms draped loosely around Remus’s waist, resting his chin on Remus’s shoulder. Sirius would make some stupid and joke, and he would feel Remus’s laughter. He would bend over and press a soft kiss against Remus’s cheek.  
But Remus would never love Sirius, and Sirius could never tell Remus that he loved him. It would ruin their friendship. And as much as Sirius hated loving Remus, having Remus actively reject him would be a thousand times worse. He honestly didn’t think he would be able to deal with that.

Sirius groaned and sat up. He didn’t know where James and Peter were, but they weren’t in the dorm room. It was way too quiet. He sighed. He honestly didn’t have the energy right now. All that he could think about now was Remus. And not like earlier, when he was daydreaming of a world where Remus actually felt the same way. 

He saw Remus, over and over again. He saw Remus on the bathroom floor, blood pooling around him. He saw himself unable to save him, in some horrible, twisted reality where Remus– but Sirius can’t even bring himself to think it. He can’t let his worst fear come to life in his mind. If he did, it would haunt him forever. Not that it didn’t already, but after seeing it so close, it was so much more real.

Sirius knew that the image of Remus on the bathroom floor would stay with him forever. He would see it when he closed his eyes at night, he would see it in those rare moments when the thoughts became overwhelming. 

But Remus was ok. And that’s all that mattered. Remus was alive and ok and that meant that Sirius was ok. Obviously, Remus was far from being ok, but in the relative sense, he was ok. Sirius was shocked at how far Remus’s pain went. He was shocked that Remus had resorted to self-harm. The amount of pain that an individual had to be in to reach that state was unbelievable. And Remus was suffering that much, right in front of Sirius and James and Peter, and none of them had noticed or even suspected a single thing.

Sirius felt partially at fault for this. He felt guilty for not noticing, for not keeping a closer eye on Remus when he suspected that he wasn’t ok. He felt guilty for believing Remus’s lies, or for not pushing more. It wasn’t Sirius’s fault, and he knew this, but he couldn’t help it. The boy he loved was in so much pain that he sliced his arms to stop it, and Sirius was too blind to notice.

Sirius lay back, listening to the quiet of the room. He was pretty sure that Remus was awake, lying in his own bed on the opposite side of their dorm. He tried listening to the sound of Remus’s breathing. After he heard it falter a few times, beside the fact that it was so deliberately muffled, Sirius was almost positive that Remus was crying. 

He stood up, and softly walked over to Remus’s bed. The curtains were drawn tightly around it. He was definitely crying, and definitely trying to hide it. 

“Remy?”

“Go- go away, Sirius.” Remus’s breath hitched. 

Sirius sighed softly. “You know I won’t do that, Remy.”

Remus knew. And, truth be told, he didn’t want him to. Sure, he was mad that Sirius had found him, mad that he hadn’t bled out on the bathroom floor, but that didn’t mean he didn’t fucking love Sirius. 

“Can I come in?”

The last thing that Remus wanted was for Sirius to try to make him talk. He wouldn’t. And, frankly, he couldn’t, at least not right now. If Sirius tried to make him talk about it, he would probably get up and run away. Where to, he didn’t know. But it would be away from Sirius and his stupid caring self.

“Please, Remy?”

Fuck, this was definitely a conversation that they had had multiple times in the past few days. Remus considered his options. He could let Sirius in right now, or Sirius would sit there, patiently waiting until Remus came out. Either way, a confrontation was inevitable, and Remus didn’t see the point in bothering to delay it. He would be crying either way.

“Fine.”

The curtains were pushed back, and Sirius climbed onto the bed. Remus’s back was to him, and he was curled up on his side. Sirius didn’t say anything, he just pulled the curtains closed again and lay down next to Remus.

He slid a warm, comforting arm under Remus’s shoulder and pulled him against his chest. He whispered, “It’s ok, Remy. I’ve got you.”

Remus imagined him saying that, and then proceeding to kiss him softly, gently, on the top of the head, or on his cheek. But he didn’t, and he wouldn’t.

The two boys lay there, neither one moving, neither one speaking. Sirius held Remus closely to his chest, making silent promises that it was ok, that he was there for him, that he loved him.

“I love you, Remy,” he whispered.

Remus could have sworn that Sirius said, “I love you, Remy,” but he was unsure what was real and what was his imagination. Besides, Sirius would never love him, right? Not that way. 

Sirius wasn’t sure if Remus had heard him. It didn’t matter either way, though. If he hadn’t, no big deal. If he had, he would assume that Sirius meant it in a friendly way. And whatever the case, Remus would never love him, right? Not that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my beautiful people, i am back with another chapter. turns out it's easy to write sad chapters when ur incredibly sad and listening to i don't love you by mcr on repeat  
> if you wanna comment, i would really appreciate it. they make me so happy. but absolutely no pressure :)  
> yes my chapter titles are a weird combo of what happens in the chapter/song lyrics/something sarcastic/whatever the fuck pops into my head  
> also to everyone who has called my ex some variation of an asshole, i love you all
> 
> stay safe, eat something, drink some water, take ur meds
> 
> ktf xolyn


	8. Lily Evans Can 100% See Through Your Bullshit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mild trigger warning

Remus stood at the edge of the lake, looking out over the smooth surface. There wasn’t even the hint of a breeze, and the surface of the lake was glassy and still. The air was crisp and cool, the sky perfectly clear.

The water was dark and still and seemed to call out to Remus. He wondered how cold it was. He wondered what it would be like to jump in, feel the water closing over his head. He wondered what it would be like to sink down, further and further, the darkness becoming darker and the light fading above him. He wondered if he would instinctively thrash around, or if he could will his body to let him die. He wondered what it would be like to drown, unable to breathe, feel his lungs fill with water. He wondered if it would hurt, or if he would just slowly slip away. 

Perhaps there would be some ripples, going out to the edges of the lake. Then, there would be nothing, and the water would be just as smooth and still and unbroken as before. It was just like him, Remus realized. Someone might notice while it was happening, while he was still alive. If they were there to, that is. And then he would be gone. And no one would realize; it would be empty and still. Everyone would go on with their lives and forget about Remus Lupin.

“It sure is a nice day to be in Hogsmeade with your friends.”

Remus jumped. Lily Evans was standing behind him, looking at him curiously. He hadn’t heard her coming, which was unusual. He had been too caught up in his thoughts.

It was true, though. It was a pleasant day in early October, the first Hosgmeade day of the new school year. Students had rushed to leave the school grounds in the morning, laughing and chattering and pushing, with plans of sweets and toys and pranks. Remus had managed to convince Sirius, James, and Peter that he wasn’t feeling very well, and that he was going to stay in their dorm and rest. 

He had convinced James and Peter, that is. He was pretty sure that Sirius saw through his bullshit, but didn’t want to press it. The truth was, Remus was too depressed to do anything, let alone pretend that he was ok while all of his friends were laughing and having a good time. He knew he would just be a burden, that he wouldn’t be able to pretend he was having a good time, that he would get tired of him. 

“I could say the same to you,” he said. 

Lily shrugged. “Sev was helping me with a Potions assignment for Slughorn, and then he was supposed to help Malfoy with something. I didn’t feel like going by myself.”

“Oh.”

Remus was always surprised whenever Lily talked to him. Mostly, because he was friends with James, and Lily absolutely despised James. But Lily understood that the group of boys wasn’t necessarily a unit, and that while James was utterly infatuated with her, Remus was actually an extremely nice and friendly person.

They weren’t friends exactly, but they were definitely close acquaintances. Maybe they were friends, Remus wasn’t sure. Either way, Lily was nice and friendly and liked Remus, and that was good enough for him. They were occasionally partners in Potions, and Lily was best friends with Severus Snape, who was a Potions prodigy. He helped Lily, and Lily helped Remus when they were partners, and Remus was overall satisfied with the situation.

“Why aren’t you in Hogsmeade, though?” Lily asked. “I saw Black and Potter and Pettigrew all leave this morning. I’ve also seen enough of you four to know that they wouldn’t leave you behind without a legitimate excuse. Especially Black. And as pleasant as staring at the lake for an hour is, I doubt it’s an excuse that they would let you get away with. So, either you lot are fighting, or you lied to them. I know you aren’t fighting, because Black wouldn’t fight you for a million dollars. So you probably lied to them. And I’m pretty sure Black didn’t buy it, whatever it is you told them, but I’m also pretty sure he didn’t want to push it.”

That was the other thing about Lily. She was incredibly, and kind of scarily, observant and empathetic and intuitive, and just generally aware of what was going on. Remus was a little surprised that Lily had gotten all of that right, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as the first time she had done something similar. Remus had been half convinced then that she was reading his mind. 

The only was, he didn’t know why she said Sirius wouldn’t fight him or leave him behind. Sure, they were close friends, but James and Sirius were always the closest. Remus might have been in love with Sirius, but Sirius viewed Remus as nothing more than a friend. A close friend, but still a friend.

Remus shrugged, but didn’t answer Lily. He turned back to the lake, not wanting to look at Lily.

“Remus,” said Lily softly, “I might utterly despise Potter and his overinflated head, but we’re friends. And something is clearly up. What’s wrong?” 

“It’s, I don’t know. It’s nothing.”

“Remus Lupin, that is the most ridiculous bullshit I have ever heard in my life, and I have to listen to James Potter confess his undying love for me on a daily basis.”

Remus sighed. 

“It’s Sirius, isn’t it?”

Remus froze. “What?”

“You know, Black might be an oblivious fucker, but I’m not. I’ve seen the way you look at him. I know you really fucking like him, Remus.”

Was it really that noticeable? Remus, for obvious reasons, hadn’t told a single soul that he liked Sirius. Hell, no one even knew he was gay. If that got out, he would never hear the end of it. Remus didn’t say anything, barely moved at all.

“You know I won’t tell anyone, right?”

He let out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding. He felt so relieved, when he hadn’t even noticed.

“I would never do that, Remus.”

The pair stood in silence for a few minutes. Remus bit his lip, trying to think of something to say.

“You should think about telling him,” Lily said suddenly.  
“What?” Remus whirled around, staring at her in shock.

“You should think about telling Sirius that you like him,” Lily repeated.

“I can’t do that, Lily!” he exclaimed. “He wouldn’t feel the same way, and I wouldn’t be able to deal with that rejection. He would hate me. I can’t let him find out, I can’t!” 

She sighed. “It’s ok. You don’t have to. But it might not turn out the way you think it would. And Sirius could never hate you.”

Remus shook his head. “I can’t.”

Lily nodded understandingly. “Well, I should probably head back to the castle. I told Severus I would meet him after he was done with Malfoy.” She smiled softly. “I like hanging out with you, Remus. We should do this more.”

He nodded. Lily gave a little wave, which he returned. Then she turned and started walking back to the castle. Remus watched her go, then sat down on the ground.

Lily knew. He didn’t think she would tell anyone, he trusted her, but still, she knew. It’s ok. Soon, it wouldn’t matter. Soon, none of this would matter. And Remus was ok with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyy another chapter. sorry this one took me so long to write. i literally had a google doc with a single sentence for like 3 days and couldn't write anything. but here you go. hope you enjoyed it :)  
> let me know if you want me to have lily more in the story, i like this friendship with her and remus. also she knows ~things~
> 
> stay safe, eat something, drink some water, take your meds. i love you all sm <3  
> ktf xolyn


	9. Chocolate's a Romantic Gift, Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mild trigger warning? (just a little bit suggestive of triggering themes)

Sirius was sitting at a table in the Three Broomsticks, trying to tune out James and Peter’s conversation. He was worried about Remus. Today was the first Hogsmeade day of the year. All the students (who were allowed, that is), had hurried to the town in the morning. Sirius, James, and Peter had been among them. Remus was not. 

That morning, Remus had mumbled something about how he wasn’t feeling well, and that he was going to stay in the dorm and sleep. Sirius knew that he was lying, but he didn’t want to push it in front of James and Peter, who had obviously bought it without a question. It made Sirius wonder how many times Remus had lied to him, and he had just believed it.

“Hope you feel better,” Peter had said as they walked out of the room.

“We’re obviously going to Honeydukes,” James said, “is there anything specific you want?”

Remus shook his head. “It’s fine, you don’t have to get me anything,” he said softly.

“Chocolate Frogs it is,” James announced.

Sirius watched as Remus looked down, the hint of a smile on his face. Chocolate Frogs were Remus’s favorite candy. He hung back a minute after James and Peter left. “Look, Remy,” he said. “I know you’re not sick. I’m not going to ask you to come if you don’t want to, or anything like that. Do you want me to stay? I don’t mind.”

Remus shook his head. “I’m fine, Sirius. Don’t waste your first Hogsmeade day.”

Frowning, Sirius looked down at Remus, who was sitting on the edge of his bed. “It wouldn’t be a waste, Remy.”

Again, Remus shook his head. “It’s fine. Go catch up with James and Peter. I’ll see you later.”

Someone poked Sirius in the ribs, hard, shaking him out of his thoughts. He looked at James. “What the hell, dude?”

“I’ve been saying your name for like a minute. What the fuck were you thinking about so hard? Is it a girl?”

Sirius chuckled. “Nope, no girls for me.”

“A guy, then?” asked Peter.

Sirius didn’t say anything for a long moment. “Nope, no guys either.”

James raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know about you, Peter, but that doesn’t sound very convincing to me. I think our dear Sirius here might have a crush.”

“Fuck off, James!” Sirius exclaimed. “I do not!”

“Sirius has a crush, Sirius has a crush!” sang James loudly.

“James Potter, shut the fuck up!” Sirius hissed.  
“You do, then!” Peter cried triumphantly, pointing an accusing finger at Sirius, who angrily batted it away.

“I do not! Shut the fuck up, you two!”

James was standing on his chair now, loudly proclaiming to the entire pub that Sirius Black had an alleged crush. Sirius buried his face in his hands. If this got back to Remus, he would probably stab James in the heart. And then die of embarrassment. Peter laughed, both at James’s antics and at Sirius’s embarrassment. 

Finally, Sirius, and most of the other people in the pub, judging by looks, had had enough of James. Sirius grabbed James by the front of the coat and dragged him off of his chair and out of the crowded pub. “And just what the hell was that?” he whisper-yelled, once they were outside.

“Dude, relax,” James said. “Why were you getting so worked up?”

“Oh, just forget it,” Sirius sighed, letting go of James.

He turned to go, and James and Peter exchanged a glance. It was something along the lines of “what the fuck was that?”

The pair hurried to catch up with Sirius, who was heading towards Honeydukes. “I’m sorry,” James said. “It was honestly just a joke.”

“It’s fine.” 

They had reached Honeydukes, and as they stepped inside, the familiar, sugary sweet smell greeted them. It was the most frequently populated story on Hogsmeade days, besides the Three Broomsticks. The boys split up, each going in search of their favorite candies. Sirius walked over to the large pyramids of Chocolate Frogs, and selected five for Remus. 

Remus would probably be mad that he got so many, tell him not to waste his money, that he didn’t need more than one, hell, that they didn’t even need to get him one at all. Sirius didn’t really care, though. He couldn’t tell Remus how he felt, couldn’t give him some big, grand, romantic gesture. So, for the time being (and probably forever), he would settle on Chocolate Frogs. They were Remus’s favorite, and also chocolate's a romantic gift, right? Sirius could disguise it as simply getting his friend his favorite candy.

Sirius wasn’t mad at James for teasing him. It was nothing new. It’s just that he really didn’t want Remus to find out about it. It’s not like Remus would care, Sirius had always a very outgoing and slightly flirty attitude. Sirius really fucking loved Remus, though, and even if he could never tell Remus, he still didn’t want Remus thinking that he liked someone. 

He was lost in thought, again, and jumped when James put a hand on his shoulder. “You ready to go?”

“Um,” Sirius paused, trying to gather his thoughts. “Let me just get some Licorice Wands.” 

Sirius grabbed a pack of a nearby shelf and followed James to the register, where Peter was waiting. The two other boys had gotten a good assortment of candy, and James was no doubt looking forward to their tradition of poker night, featuring a Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Bean for the loser of each round. 

It was late afternoon when the trio started back up to the castle. Sirius was anxious, worried about Remus, and trying to hide it. Peter had eaten too much sugar, and James was talking about the upcoming Quidditch match. 

“I hope Remus is feeling better,” Peter said.

Hearing Remus’s name jerked Sirius out of his thoughts. “Yeah, me too,” he said. “It’s too bad he missed Hogsmeade.”

James nodded. “Well, you got him Chocolate Frogs, and we’ll play Bean Poker tonight, if he’s up for it.” 

There was silence for a few minutes. “Hey,” James said, “you didn’t happen to see Evans in town today, did you?”

“Geez, James,” groaned Peter, “you have got to leave her alone!”

“Peter,” James said dramatically, throwing his arms out and nearly hitting Sirius in the face with a bag, “you don’t understand. Neither of you do.” Sirius snorted softly. “I love her so much, and there’s not a thing you can do about it.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Peter was extremely tired of hearing James go on and on about Lily, when she clearly despised him and would probably like nothing more than to castrate him and deep fry his balls. 

Sirius was also tired of listening to James, but he understood. He understood what it was like to be hopelessly in love with someone just out of your reach. Someone who was right there, almost attainable, but impossible to get. At least he had Remus as a friend. But he had about as much chance of getting with Remus as James did with Lily; that is, hardly any. 

“I didn’t see her,” James continued, ignoring Peter. “We were in the Three Broomsticks for a while, and she’s usually in there.”

“Stalker,” muttered Peter.

“Shut the hell up,” retorted James, kicking him in the shin. “Anyways, she wasn’t there, and I didn’t see her anywhere else.” He paused. “Come to think of it, I didn’t see Snivellus there either. And she’s always with him.”

“Maybe she’s in love with him.”

“Peter, would you just be quiet?”

Sirius sighed loudly. “Oh, look! We’re back!” he exclaimed in a tone of clearly false cheerfulness, tired of James and Peter’s incessant bickering. 

James flipped him off. Sirius ignored it. They walked back up to the Gryffindor Tower in relative silence. Sirius crossed his fingers as they went into their dorm room, silently praying that Remus was ok and was in there. 

James threw open the door. “Oh Remus,” he called, “is anyone home?”

Apparently no one was, as Remus didn’t respond and the room remained quiet. Sirius’s heart started to beat faster. His thoughts raced, as his mind went over all the horrible possibilities. But James and Peter didn’t seem too concerned. They walked into the room, and James flopped down on his bed, before sinking onto the floor and laying there, perfectly still. 

Sirius stood just inside the doorway for what seemed like an eternity. All he could think about was Remus, and what might be wrong, what he could have done. Damnit, he should have just insisted on staying. He didn’t even know where he would start, but still, Hh should probably go looking for Remus, right? 

Sirius turned around and almost bumped into Remus himself, who had just stepped into the doorway. “Oh, shit, sorry,” he mumbled. “Remus!”

James sat up. “Remy!” he exclaimed. “We missed you today! Sirius bought you Chocolate Frogs.” He threw one at Remus, who caught it.

He looked up at Sirius. “You didn’t have to.”

Sirius smirked. “I know. But I wanted to.”

Remus shook his head, smiling. He stepped around Sirius and into the room. 

“I also got Beans,” said James, “so we can play poker tonight after dinner.”

“Speaking of which,” said Peter, “we should probably head down to the Great Hall.”

“I swear they put the Gryffindors in the tower just to make us walk a whole fucking marathon just to get to dinner,” grumbled James.

Despite all his complaining, James was the first one out of the door, with Peter on his heels. Sirius looked at Remus. “You ok, Remy?” 

Remus nodded, then quickly followed Peter out of the room. Sirius didn’t believe Remus. His eyes looked far-away and sad. But he didn’t say anything, only hurried after his friends.

“Everyone’s down for some Bean Poker tonight, right?” Bean Poker was one of James’s favorite activities, presumably because he had incredibly good luck and was also slightly sadistic.

“I’ll play,” Sirius said, “but if I get another vomit flavored bean, I will actually vomit, and I will actually do it on your bed.”

“Sounds good to me,” James replied. 

Remus watched his friends talking and laughing as they headed down to the Great Hall. He was sad that he had missed Hogsmeade, but was pretty sure they hadn’t missed him. It was ok, though. He was like a ripple. You noticed him when he was there, but soon he would be gone, and you would forget you ever even saw it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise, an update for you lovely people! i'm pretty sure this is by far my fastest update.  
> i have the rough draft for my massive research project/senior thesis paper due on thursday, and so obviously i cranked out a 1.7k word chapter instead of doing that. because i literally cannot stop myself from procrastinating. it sucks. i hate it
> 
> love you all, take care of yourselves, and don't procrastinate on assignments (trust me it fucking sucks)  
> ktf xolyn


	10. And How Would You Know What Ass Tastes Like, Sirius Black?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning

The four boys were sitting in a circle on the floor of their dorm. James was shuffling a deck of cards, a far too eager look on his face. There was a large box of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans in the middle of the circle. James dealt two cards to each of them, then set the deck down. It obviously wasn’t the same as regular poker, as there was no betting and they had implemented a ‘no folding’ rule. It was basically just luck. And James had chosen poker because, well, he was James.

James flipped over three cards, one by one, and then they all turned over their hands. Peter had lost. He groaned loudly and reached into the box of Beans, pulling out a bright green one. He looked at it suspiciously, before popping it into his mouth. He grimaced and swallowed, before saying, “Grass.”

“Well, could be a lot worse,” Sirius said, laughing. “Could be ass.”

James turned to Sirius. “And how would you know what ass tastes like, Sirius Black?”

“Haha, very funny,” Sirius returned sarcastically.

Remus leaned back, resting against the end of his bed. As much as he loved his friends (especially Sirius), he really just wanted to sit somewhere quiet and cut. There was no way he would be able to get out of Bean Poker, though. They would all be way too suspicious, especially Sirius. 

Sitting up suddenly, James turned to Remus, an almost evil grin on his face. “I almost forgot, Remy! You missed the most amazing thing today while we were in Hogsmeade!”

Sirius froze. “James, shut the fuck up,” he hissed. 

James ignored him, continuing to grin at Remus. Remus was looking back at him curiously, one eyebrow raised slightly. “It turns out our friend Sirius here has a crush on someone.”

The room was deathly silent. James was grinning, Peter was watching the scene with mild interest. Sirius didn’t know what to say. This was exactly what he didn’t want Remus to hear. And the fact that it was James made it a thousand times worse. Remus was absolutely crushed. Sure, he knew that Sirius would never love him back, but hearing that Sirius had a crush was probably the worst thing he could hear.  
Sirius glared at James. “I told you to shut the fuck up, James.”

“Why, you didn’t want Remy to know you’ve got a crush on someone?”

Sirius didn’t say anything, because that was exactly the case. He didn’t want Remus to think that, though. He bit his lip, glaring angrily at his lap and refusing to look at James. 

Remus was trying so hard to hold back his tears. He wanted to cut. He needed to get out of here, he needed to find somewhere alone, he needed to cut. He needed to cut so fucking badly. He didn’t know how he was supposed to deal with this. It was inevitable, but that didn’t mean the pain wasn’t unbearable. 

He struggled to his feet, and sprinted out of the room. He wasn’t sure where he was going, as long as it was away. Away from James, away from Sirius, away from the knowledge that Sirius had a crush. He ran towards the stairs, vaguely realizing that he would be able to get into the Astronomy Tower, as there weren’t any classes there until midnight.

“You fucking asshole!” Sirius yelled at James, before jumping to his feet and running out after Remus. 

He scrambled out of the portrait hole, then realized he didn’t know which way Remus had run. After a split second, he decided to go down, towards the dungeons and the bathroom where Remus had hidden a few days ago during Potions class. 

His stomach turned at the thought, as he remembered how he had found his friend. He prayed he wouldn’t find him in a similar position this time. 

Remus was out of breath and slightly light-headed by the time he reached the Astronomy Tower a few minutes later. Luckily, the trapdoor leading to the roof was unlocked, and a few seconds later, he was sitting on the roof of the highest tower at Hogwarts.

He pulled his well-used blade out of his pocket and dragged it easily across his heavily scarred wrist a few times. He sighed in relief as he watched the blood well up slowly, a small trail making its way down his arm. 

“You fucking idiot,” he said to himself. “Why would you ever think that Sirius would like you back? He’s so amazing. He’s handsome, smart, a Pureblood. He’s a fucking Black. Look at yourself. You’re skinny. You’re ugly. You’re a fucking werewolf. Why would he ever like someone like you?”

He set the blade against his wrist again, then sliced once, twice, a third time. These were much deeper. He stood up, walking slowly to the edge of the roof. He swung his legs over the high railing and sat down on top of it. 

“Look at you, Remus,” he said. “You’re on top of the fucking world.”

He wasn’t sure when he had started crying, but the tears were streaming heavily down his face. He made an attempt to wipe them away with his sleeve, but they just kept coming. So did the blood that was dripping steadily down his wrist. 

He slid off the railing, balancing on the small ledge. He kept one hand on the railing; the other hung at his side, blood dripping off the side of it. 

Sirius couldn’t find Remus. He wasn’t in any of the bathrooms that he had passed. He was really starting to panic. He was afraid Remus was going to do something stupid, or was in the middle of it, or had already done it. 

He sprinted back to the Gryffindor Tower. Still no Remus. He kept going up this time, deciding to check all of the bathrooms between where he was and the Astronomy Tower. There was one on the 5th floor that was tucked out of the way. Remus was probably there.

Remus heard the trapdoor to the roof open. He didn’t care at this point. “I fucking love you, Sirius Black,” he whispered. 

“Remus, don’t do it!”

Remus let go of the railing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sorry please don't kill me  
> also damn, three updates in three days? holy shit  
> i got my paper done, and am super happy with it. i finished it like 45 min ago, and then speed wrote this in like half an hour. i tried the writing tip where you write in comic sans, bc it supposedly helps you write better/more/faster/more effectively (i usually write in economica), and i am so fucking mad that it works so well
> 
> yes i will be updating soon i am sorry please don't kill me
> 
> stay safe, stay sane, take care of yourselves. i love you all sm <3  
> ktf xolyn


	11. And I'm Free, Free Fallin'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning

Remus was finally free. His hand left the railing, and he was falling. It was only a second, but it felt like an eternity. One long, glorious eternity. He closed his eyes, felt the air rushing over his face.

“Mobilicorpus!” Lily screamed. 

And then Remus was no longer falling. He floated back over the railing, then collapsed, slumping against the side of the rail by Lily. He closed his eyes and leaned back. A few tears trickled down his cheeks. He didn’t bother trying to stop them.

He felt Lily gently take hold of his wrist. She ran her wand over the deep gashes on his forearm. He felt his skin stitch itself back together, leaving behind thick, white scars.

Lily slipped her wand back into her pocket and sat back on her heels. “What- why- Remus, why?” Her voice shook; she was clearly trying to hold back tears.

Remus didn’t say anything. He was acutely aware of the metal digging into his back. His wrist throbbed dully; the sharp pain of the cuts was gone. Why? Why did he have to be so fucking unlucky? How did Lily even find him?

Before Remus even knew what was happening, Lily pulled him into a tight hug. “Remus, what the hell were you doing?” she whispered.

Remus scoffed bitterly. “I think it’s pretty obvious what I was trying to do.”

“But why?” Lily pulled away a little, looking into Remus’s eyes. After a split second, he looked away. 

“Don’t you fucking stay silent on this, Remus Lupin. You sprinted out of your room and the common room crying. You ran all the way here, cut your wrist, and tried to jump off the Astronomy Tower. What the fuck am I supposed to think? And don’t fucking say that you’re ok, or anything like that, because it’s a fucking lie and we both know it.”

Remus still refused to say anything. He wrapped his arms around himself, his eyes darting everywhere except for Lily. 

“You know,” Lily said, “Sirius ran out after you. He went the other way, though.” She paused, watching as Remus stiffened. She wasn’t sure what exactly had happened, but strongly suspected that Sirius had something to do with it. “It was Sirius, wasn’t it?”

Remus bit his lip, but didn’t deny it.

“What did he do?”

Behind them, the trapdoor slammed open against the roof. “Remus?”

Lily jumped to her feet, whirled around, and stalked over to Sirius. She slapped him, hard. “What the hell did you do, Black?” 

Sirius winced, running his fingers over his now tender cheek. “What the fuck, Evans?” he exclaimed.

Lily glared at him. “Don’t fucking bullshit me,” she spat.

Sirius ignored that. “Where’s Remus? Is he ok?”

Lily nodded sharply. “But no fucking thanks to you. What the fuck did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything!”

“Fucking bullshit, Black.”

“”Evans- Lily- I didn’t do anything. Please, I swear, I don’t know.”

Lily’s voice dropped. It was a quiet, deadly whisper that carried through the evening air. “Then why did I find him bleeding and about to jump off the roof of the Astronomy Tower?”

Sirius’s heart stopped. “What?” he asked quietly.

“You heard me,” Lily said, her voice surprisingly level and quiet. “Now, what the fuck did you do to trigger this?”  
Sirius took a deep breath. Lily was absolutely terrifying when she was mad, and this was the maddest he had ever seen her. She rarely cursed, and when she did, you knew it was bad. “Honestly, I didn’t do anything.”

“What happened then?”

“I don’t know,” Sirius said. He was kind of freaking out a lot. “We got back from dinner and we were playing Bean Poker. Then James was telling Remus about a stupid thing he did in Hogsmeade today, cause Remus wasn’t there. And I told James to shut up, but he kept telling it, and then Remus just ran out.”

Lily threw up her hands in exasperation. “Look, Black, I don’t like you. And I don’t like Potter. But I do like Remus, and we’re friends. And my friend just tried to kill himself, and I would really fucking like to know why.”

“You think I don’t want to know?” Sirius exclaimed. “I fucking love him, Evans.” He paused, his voice faltering a little when he realized what he had said. He hoped Lily would assume it was purely platonic. “I don’t know what I would do without him.”

Lily sighed. “Of course,” she muttered under her breath. “You two are so fucking oblivious, it’s unbelievable.” 

Sirius had had enough of the conversation, and side-stepped Lily. He rushed over to Remus, who was sitting slumped over on the ground. Remus had his eyes closed, and appeared to be trying to shut everything out.

“Remy?”

Remus swallowed visibly, then opened his eyes. “Fuck off, Sirius,” he said quietly.

“What?” said Sirius, in utter disbelief.

“I said, fuck off, Sirius,” Remus repeated. 

He stood up gingerly, wincing, and walked past Sirius. Sirius watched him, open-mouthed and at a loss for words. Lily grabbed Remus’s arm as he passed her.   
“We need to talk,” she whispered, so that Sirius wouldn’t be able to hear.

Remus shook his head firmly.

Lily sighed. She didn’t want to use a threat, but if Remus wouldn’t talk to her or to Sirius, she knew she didn’t have a choice. “Either we can talk, or I’m going straight to Professor McGonagall and informing her that you’re a danger to yourself.”

Remus stiffened. The last thing he needed was to get teachers involved. “Fine, we can talk,” he said. “I know a place.”

Lily nodded, satisfied with that. Remus started towards the trapdoor, and she followed closely. “Where is it?” she asked.

“7th floor,” he said. “By that tapestry of Barnabus the Barmy.” 

Lily had no idea what he was talking about, but decided it was better not to question it right now. The trapdoor was still open, and the two of them climbed down the ladder, leaving Sirius alone on the roof.

Sirius didn’t know what to make of what had just happened. Remus was mad at him. Remus had tried to kill himself. Remus was ignoring him. Lily knew something, Sirius wasn’t sure how much. Hell, Sirius didn’t know how much he himself knew. He didn’t know what was going on. 

He walked over to the railing, looking out over the Forbidden Forest. A few stars were starting to become visible in the dark sky. 

“Why?” he asked, of no one in particular. “What did I do?”

There was no reply, only the faint, far-off sound of a breeze rustling leaves in the forest. Sirius stared up at the stars. “I love you, Remus Lupin,” he said. “I love you, and I’m going to make sure you’re ok. This I swear by the stars.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit, 4 chapter in 4 days. i am on a fucking roll with this fic. also the comic sans witchcraft works really well  
> the current vibe for this fic is me titling chapters either based on something that happens in the chapter/a quote from the chapter, something really fucking sarcastic, or a song lyric. the other vibe currently is me staying up until 4am last night vibing on my bed in the dark to mother mother
> 
> (if you wanna comment i literally love you so much, but absolutely no pressure)
> 
> also all of you are very rad and i like you all very much, and if u ever wanna chat just like comment or email me (in my bio) and i'll give u my instagram
> 
> stay safe, take care of yourselves, drink some water. i love you all sm <3  
> ktf xolyn


	12. Lily Isn't Sure How Remus Can Be so Fucking Oblivious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mild trigger warning

Remus led Lily to the 7th floor, stopping in front of the tapestry of Barnabus the Barmy. 

“Remus, what exactly are we doing here?”

“Just watch,” Remus replied. He walked back and forth three times in front of the wall, eyes closed and concentrating.

Lily gasped as she watched a door materialize in the blank wall.

“It’s the Room of Requirement,” said Remus. “It only appears when you’re truly in need of it. You walk back and forth three times, thinking about what you need.” He opened the door and gestured for Lily to enter.

It was a small, cozy room. There was a fireplace, with a roaring fire, and several bean bag chairs on a rug around it. The walls were lined with bookshelves. They were old and dusty and mysterious. The whole atmosphere was welcoming and safe. 

Remus closed the door behind them. They walked over to the fire, and sat down in two of the chairs. He looked down, picking at the skin around one of his nails. His leg tapped anxiously on the floor. He didn’t look at Lily.

“Remus,” she began, then stopped, trying to formulate her thoughts. “What happened?”

“I’m pretty sure you saw what happened,” Remus said bitterly. 

She sighed. “You know that’s not what I’m talking about, Remus. What happened in the dorm? With Sirius?”

Remus bit his lip. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does,” she said. “Remus, you fucking jumped off the roof. You tried to kill yourself. Don’t tell me it doesn’t matter. If you won’t talk to me, that’s fine. I understand and respect that. But it means I’m going straight to McGonagall this instant, because you’re clearly a danger to yourself.”

Remus ran one hand through his hair and let out a ragged breath. “It’s stupid.”

“I won’t think it’s stupid,” Lily said. 

The words wouldn’t come, no matter how hard Remus tried to start. Lily noticed. “Why don’t you start from the beginning,” she said softly.

Remus nodded. He could do that. He took a deep breath. “Ok. We got back from dinner and were playing poker with Beans. And James said something happened in Hogsmeade. And then Sirius told James to shut up, but James just kept talking.” He stopped.

“What did James say?” prompted Lily.

“He- he said that Sirius-” Remus stopped again. It was stupid. Lily didn’t care, she was just pretending to. He didn’t want to say it out loud. The more he thought about, the more stupid he realized it was. 

As if she could read his mind, Lily said, “I promise I won’t think it’s stupid, Remus.”

“He said that Sirius had a crush,” Remus blurted out. 

Lily didn’t say anything. It was painfully obvious, especially to her, just how much Remus loved Sirius. Of course, Remus thought that Sirius could never like him back, and that alone tore Remus apart. Throw in the fact that Remus thought he had confirmation that Sirius liked someone else, along with all of Remus’s other struggles, and it made sense why he had gone to the Astronomy Tower.

Remus was so fucking oblivious, and it drove Lily mad that he couldn’t tell how much Sirius loved him. Remus hadn’t even considered for a second that he might be the person that Sirius had a crush on. Sirius was equally oblivious. Lily wanted nothing more than for the two idiots to get over their belief that their love would never be reciprocated. 

Remus buried his face in his hands. “I knew it,” he mumbled. “You think it’s stupid and I’m stupid.”

“No I don’t,” Lily said firmly.

Remus’s head jerked up. Then he frowned again. “You don’t have to lie to make me feel better.” 

“I’m not lying,” she said. “I’m just thinking.”

Remus was sure that she was thinking about how pathetic he was. He was gay, surely she was judging him for that. He had just tried to kill himself, and now she knew about that. And there was no way she had missed the scars on his arm. The self-loathing washed over Remus in unbearable waves. He needed to cut.

Lily reached over, putting her hand on top of Remus’s. He looked down. Without even realizing, he had been digging his nails into the back of his hand. 

“Listen to me,” she said. Remus looked over at her. “I’m not stupid. I’ve seen the way you look at Sirius. I’ve seen the way you act, just in general. I saw the scars on your wrist. Unlike most people here, I’m not completely blind to how much pain you’re in.”

“Lily, I’m fine,” Remus whispered.

“That is absolute bullshit. You may be able to fool everyone else, but not me.”

“You can’t tell anyone. Please, you can’t,” Remus begged.

“I won’t. But if it gets worse, or you do something stupid, I am going straight to McGonagall and telling her everything. Ok?”

Remus nodded. He could do that. And by that, he meant hiding it from Lily. He wouldn’t put it past her to check his wrists, so he figured it was probably time to learn Glamor Charms. Sirius would probably do it too. If Remus forgave Sirius, that is. 

“Ok, it’s getting pretty late,” Lily said. “I’m going to head back to the tower. And you’re going to come with me.”

“I was just going to-” Remus trailed off, seeing Lily’s cocked eyebrow and glare. “Alright, let’s go.”

Together, they exited the Room of Requirement. Lily watched as the door faded away, until nothing but the blank wall remained. They walked back to the Gryffindor Tower. The silence was deafening, but Remus did not want to talk, and Lily could tell. 

Remus slowly walked up the stairs to the 5th year boys’ dorm room. He took a deep breath and opened the door. Peter was doing Transfiguration homework, James was reading a book, and Sirius was pasing anxiously. 

Remus stepped into the room and all three looked up. “Remus!” exclaimed Sirius, clearly very relieved. 

Remus ignored him and walked towards his bed. Why did his have to be the farthest from the door? 

“Remy?” Sirius asked, slightly confused.

Remus kicked off his shoes and climbed onto his bed, not bothering to change into pajamas. He pulled the curtains closed, shutting out light and muffling sound. He lay down, pressing his face into the pillow, and let the tears come. 

Why was life so unfair? Why did Lily have to save him? Why couldn’t Sirius just love him back? Why couldn’t he just be happy for once? Was that too much to ask?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi  
> have another chapter :)  
> ngl this took a long time to write and i don't like it very much but whatever  
> this is the start of my tech week for my play next weekend, so idk if/how much i'll be able to update this week. i also have a ton of missing assignments and absolutely no motivation and am generally just doing shitty :/
> 
> stay safe, eat something, drink some water. i love you all  
> ktf xolyn


	13. Sirius is Also Painfully Oblivious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mild trigger warning

Long after the other boys were asleep, Sirius lay on his bed, hands tucked under his head, thinking. He was still trying to process what had happened. It was all so fast. Remus ran out, he went after him, and when he finally found him, he was told by Evans of all people that Remus had tried to kill himself. Fuck, Remus had tried to jump off the Astronomy Tower.

Remus was in so much pain, and that meant that Sirius was in pain. He loved Remus so damn much, and just wanted to let him know that. He imagined telling Remus, and having Remus feel the same way. He imagined leaning down and softly kissing Remus. He imagined standing behind Remus, wrapping his arms around the shorter boy’s waist and resting his chin on his shoulder. He imagined lifting Remus’s chin up, wiping away his tears, and gently kissing him. He imagined pushing Remus up against a wall and passionately making out with him. He imagined sitting on a couch together, one of Remus’s legs in his lap and his arm around Remus’s shoulder.

But Remus would never love him back. And Remus thought that Sirius liked someone else. And Remus had tried to kill himself. And Remus was hurting. And Sirius wanted so fucking badly to do something. But he didn’t know what.

He needed to keep a closer eye on Remus, he knew that much. He was sure that Remus was still cutting. He hoped that this wouldn’t be the last time Remus tried to kill himself, but he couldn’t be sure anymore. 

After what had happened in the bathroom a few weeks ago, Sirius had tried to convince himself that Remus wasn’t suicidal. Remus had told him it was an accident, he didn’t mean to do it, he didn’t realize how deep he cut. And Sirius tried to believe it. There was a tiny part of him that wasn’t sure, that tried to convince him that Remus was suicidal. He had pushed it to the back of his mind.

Now, Sirius had the confirmation he needed. He didn’t want it, but he needed it. Remus had tried to kill himself. His brain repeated it over and over and over again, but he was still in shock. He still couldn’t quite believe it, couldn’t quite register it. Remus wouldn’t have tried to kill himself, right? 

But he did, his brain reminded him. Remus had slit his wrist and tried to jump off of the Astronomy Tower. Fuck, he had actually jumped. If Lily hadn’t been there, Remus would be dead. Sirius wouldn’t have gotten there in time. And Sirius didn’t think he would ever be able to forgive himself if something like that happened.

Sirius needed to protect Remus. He would do anything for the younger boy, anything. He couldn’t tell him how he really felt, but he could let that manifest itself in whatever ways possible. Watching out for Remus, keeping an eye on him, getting him Chocolate Frogs, comforting him during panic attacks, stuff like that. And Sirius would know that there were romantic feelings behind it. Remus wouldn’t, but Sirius would, and if that was all he could get, Sirius would take it. 

But why had Remus tried to kill himself tonight? That was the real question. Had he been planning it during the day, while everyone was in Hogsmeade? Had he sat in the dorm room, alone, crying, making a plan for that night? What had triggered his panicked flight from the room? One minute, he had been playing poker with the guys, and the next he was crying and running out.

Something about that didn’t sit right with Sirius. It was one thing for Remus to have tried during the day, or in the middle of the night, or whenever it was. But running out in the middle of a game? That felt so wrong. Something had to have triggered it, right?

Sirius could feel Remus’s pain. It physically hurt him. It hurt to see the boy he loved so much in all that pain. Remus didn’t want to be alive. Sirius couldn’t imagine a life without him. He honestly didn’t know what he would have done if Remus had succeeded. He hated to think about it. In all honesty, if he had gone to the roof and found that Remus had jumped, there was a fair chance he would have impulsively followed.

He told himself not to think like that. He needed to be there for Remus, needed to be strong for Remus. Remus didn’t want to live. Sirius was there to make sure that he did. He needed to make sure he was there so that Remus didn’t try anything again.

His mind kept replaying the events of the evening. Again and again, a horrible scenario in which Remus died kept forcing itself to the forefront of Sirius’s mind. He knew that he would never forgive himself if he was ever at fault for Remus’s death. Even if he just felt responsible, but actually wasn’t. The guilt would eat him alive, tear him apart from the inside. 

He ran his hands through his hair. There was no way he was sleeping tonight. He didn’t want to, either. He knew that the second he closed his eyes, he would see images of Remus. He would see Remus on the bathroom floor again. That was a recurring image that haunted his dreams every night. He would see Remus at the bottom of the tower. 

He needed to stop. He felt the vomit rising in his throat. He jumped out of his bed and rushed into the bathroom, falling to his knees in front of the toilet just in time. 

After he had emptied his dinner into the toilet, he shakily stood up and walked over to the sink. He rinsed his mouth out and splashed his flushed face. He stood there, face still in his towel, unmoving.

“Sirius?” a sleepy voice asked. “You ok?”

Sirius looked up. “Yeah, I’m fine, James.”

“You sure?” James walked over to Sirius. “I heard you throw up. And it’s like 2:00 in the morning.” 

Sirius nodded. James looked at him closely. “You haven’t slept, have you?”

Sirius sighed, then shook his head. “I tried. Couldn’t get to sleep.” He shrugged.

“It’s Remus, isn’t it?” said James. “You’re worried about him. I can tell.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“He’ll be ok.” James patted Sirius’s shoulder comfortingly. “He’d tell us if anything was seriously wrong, right?”

Sirius nodded, hesitantly. There was no way in hell Remus would tell them anything. Sirius knew that from experience. “Yeah, you’re probably right,” he said, though. He knew Remus didn’t want James- or anyone- to know. It wasn’t his place to tell James. 

“If you’re sure you’re ok,” James said, “I’m going to head back to bed. Try to get some sleep, ok?” He hugged Sirius briefly, then walked quietly back to his bed.

Sirius heard him pull the curtains closed. He didn’t realize it was so late, and he was sorry he had woken James. James didn’t seem mad about it, though. That was good. He walked back to his own bed, flopping down on top of it.

He was in for another sleepless night. He didn’t mind. It was better than a restless sleep, tossing and turning, haunted by images of a dead Remus. 

He was going to make sure Remus was ok. He was going to be there for Remus. Everything would work out. Eventually, everything would be ok, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit a double update today. i am much happier with this chapter. please enjoy it :)  
> also i forgot to mention in the note for the last chapter: if you are ever in a similar situation, where ur the lily and ur friend is the remus, PLEASE go to a teacher/parent/counselor/adult. even if the situation is less serious
> 
> i have been vibing to i miss having sex but at least i don't want to die anymore by waterparks on repeat for the past 36 hours. it is a fucking bop. go listen to it rn
> 
> if u wanna maybe comment i would love that and love you forever, but no pressure :)
> 
> stay safe, drink some water, try to get some sleep. i love you all <3
> 
> ktf xolyn


	14. Hoodie-Stealing Should Be a Love Language

Remus woke early, again. It’s not that he wanted to ignore Sirius. He loved Sirius, and loved talking to him and spending time with him. But it hurt too much, knowing that Sirius liked someone else. 

Remus had told himself again and again that Sirius would never love him back. He had told himself that eventually, Sirius would find someone. But as much as he had prepared himself for that, it still felt like a punch in the stomach, like someone had ripped his heart out. He had underestimated just how badly it would hurt.

He rolled over. It was 4 am. Breakfast started at 7:00, and first period wasn’t until 9:00. Probably none of the other boys would be up for several hours. It was better that way. It wouldn’t be awkward, Remus would be able to avoid them.

He decided it was better to get up now. He sat up, pulled on his shoes, and walked to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He hadn’t bothered to get undressed the night before, and didn’t have the energy to change. Whatever, it was fine. He didn’t care.

Remus tip-toed across the room, careful not to wake the others. He pulled an old grey hoodie over his t-shirt. It was soft and warm and a little bit big. He could hide in it. Sirius had given it to him the year before, when they were in Hogsmeade and Remus had forgotten his jacket. Remus didn’t give it back. Sirius didn’t seem to mind.

He left the common room, deciding that he would go to the library. He could sit in a corner and read, or just sit there doing nothing. He wouldn’t be interrupted there. No one came into the library before breakfast, unless it was during exams. 

He reached the library without a problem, and went over to the Defense Against the Dark Arts section. He might as well try to be productive. They were doing Patronuses in class, and had been for a while now. Remus was one of the very few students left who couldn’t produce even a little bit of mist. 

There were a handful of students, who could produce a fully-formed Patronus. James, Sirius, and Lily all could. Almost all the others could make some attempt at it. Remus couldn’t. As hard as he tried, he just couldn’t get it.

He knew why. In order to summon your Patronus, you needed to concentrate on your happiest memory. The problem is, you can’t really do that if you don’t have any happy memories to focus on. Sure, there were brief times when Remus was happy, but, floating in the back of his mind, the thoughts of “what if you were just dead” were still there.

Remus pulled out a chair and slumped down in it. He decided he didn’t have the energy to try and work right now. He buried his face and his arms and let the tears come. He sat there, crying, for a while. He wasn’t sure how long. Maybe it was 5 minutes, maybe it was an hour. 

“You’re so fucking stupid,” he said to himself. “You just need to get the fuck over him. You knew this was coming. You’ve always known. He’s so fucking handsome and perfect, it’s a shock everyone isn’t all over him. He will never love you back. Don’t be so fucking stupid.”

He straightened up a little bit. He knew he was a mess. His hair was falling all over his face, but he didn’t care enough to fix it. He was crying in the library at 4-something in the morning, because he was in love with his best friend. It was really fucking pathetic, wasn’t it. 

It wasn’t even like a breakup. They had never dated, never been anything more than friends. Hell, Sirius didn’t even know that Remus liked him. Because Remus lied and pretended, like he did with so many other things. But that was how he survived, so that’s what he did. That’s how he had survived this far. But it wasn’t living. How far had he really come? 

“I fucking love you, Sirius Black,” he whispered. 

“Remus?” a voice asked, soft, unsure, unsteady.

Remus jerked up, and hurriedly backed up against a wall. He looked over. Sirius was standing there, half hidden behind another bookshelf. This had to be a dream. It had to be. 

Sirius stepped out from behind the bookshelf and walked slowly over to Remus. Remus closed his eyes. He knew Sirius was standing right there, in front of him.

“Remus?” Sirius said again. He sounded so unsure, almost afraid. 

Remus didn’t say anything, didn’t move. just prayed that he would wake up. Sirius reached out and gently put his hand under Remus’s chin. He opened his eyes, and Sirius tilted his chin up. 

“Can I kiss you?” he asked softly.

“What- why?” Remus stuttered out.

“Because I’m in love with you too, dumbass,” Sirius said. 

He leaned down, and pressed a gentle kiss against Remus’s lips. Sirius stood there, smiling at Remus. He took his sleeve and wiped away Remus’s tears, then tucked Remus’s hair behind his hair. 

Remus smiled. Sirius leaned down and kissed him softly again. Sirius pulled Remus into a tight hug. Remus laid his head in Sirius’s chest. He was warm and strong and safe.

“I fucking love you, Remus Lupin,” Sirius murmured. 

“I love you too,” said Remus. 

Remus pulled back from the hug a little bit, and Sirius frowned, confused. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius’s neck, and standing on his tip-toes, kissed him again, harder this time. 

Sirius grinned and kissed him back. It was slow and wonderful and passionate and felt just right. Remus’s back hit the wall, and they stayed there. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus’s waist and pulled him even closer. 

Sirius pulled away, catching his breath. He smiled down at Remus. “Be my boyfriend?” he whispered, still unsure of himself.

“Of course,” Remus whispered back, then once again pressed his lips against Sirius’s. 

He was finally kissing Sirius. It was unbelievable. Sparks exploded inside of him, he felt warm and safe and everything was perfect. He couldn’t believe it. And now, he could call Sirius, the boy he had loved for so long, his boyfriend. He couldn’t stop smiling, couldn’t stop kissing Sirius. 

“I love you,” Remus whispered again. “I love you so much, Siri.”

“I love you too, Remy,” Sirius whispered back. “Now shut up and kiss me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi. have another chapter. i swear this comic sans thing is magic and also i am in love with this fic  
> this chapter has been a long time coming, and i'm sure you have all been eagerly awaiting it. if you wanna comment, i would love that. i swear they make me so fucking happy
> 
> take care of yourselves, drink some water, eat something, take ur meds. i love you all so much <3  
> ktf xolyn


	15. It's not PDA if There's No One Around to See It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mild trigger warning

Holy fuck. That was pretty much the only thing running through Remus’s head. Sirius was kissing him, and it was unbelievable. There was nothing, just Remus and Sirius. That was all that mattered. Remus and Sirius, Sirius and Remus, in one long, passionate, unbroken kiss.

Remus’s back was still pressed against the wall, his arms up around Sirius’s neck. Sirius, who was at least a head taller, stood over him, leaning down to connect them, his hands resting dangerously low on Remus’s waist, pulling him in and holding him close. 

Remus had lost all sense of time since he left the dorm that morning. He had no idea how long he had been in the library before Sirius showed up, and he had no idea how long he and Sirius had been making out. It didn’t matter, though. He didn’t care if he missed breakfast or class or anything, as long as Sirius was there. 

“Mr. Black!” exclaimed an angry voice. 

Remus felt Sirius stiffen. He pulled away, but didn’t turn around. 

“Just what do you think you’re doing in my library,” Madam Pince spluttered angrily. “And who is that with you?”

Sirius turned around slowly, a smirk on his face. “Oh, hello, Madam Pince,” he said smoothly. “How’re you doing this fine morning?”

“Detention, Black,” she said. “You too, Lupin.”

Sirius groaned loudly. “Why?”

“Because,” she said, still frowning severely, “you were in the library before it opened, and you were displaying exceptionally inappropriate public displays of affection.”

“It’s not PDA if there’s no one around to see it,” muttered Sirius. 

“Be that as it may, you were still here before it opened. It is currently 6:57, and the library opens at precisely 6:00 am. I did not see you come in, so you therefore came in before I arrived. And, judging by your-” she gestured vaguely at them “-appearance, I think it’s safe to assume that you’ve been here for quite some time.”

“Ugh, fine,” Sirius groaned.

“5:00 pm tonight,” she said. “with Professor McGonagall. Both of you.”

Remus was absolutely mortified. He was trying not to panic. Sirius clearly noticed, and gently grabbed his hand. He nodded to Madam Pince and led him to the bathroom. 

“Hey, it’s ok,” he said softly. “I’ve got you. Can you hear my voice?” Remus nodded jerkily. “Ok, good. Try to listen to my voice. Focus on what I’m saying.”

He kept talking, rubbing small circles on the back of Remus’s hand as he did. Soon, Remus calmed down. A tear ran down his cheek. Sirius wiped it away gently, then pressed a chaste kiss to Remus’s lips. “I’ve got you,” he said, pulling Remus into a hug.

They stood there for a few minutes, Remus crying softly into Sirius’s chest. Sirius stroked his boyfriend’s hair, comforting him. Fuck, he couldn’t believe he could call Remus his boyfriend. He had dreamed of this for years, but had never thought he would be able to.

Soon, Remus stopped crying, and Sirius just held him. A few more minutes passed, and then stepped back. Sirius smiled softly at him, then reached out and wiped away Remus’s tears. Remus stood on tip-toes and kissed him. “I fucking love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too,” Sirius whispered back. “You want to head to breakfast? James and Peter will probably be there pretty soon.”

Remus shrugged. He didn’t particularly feel like eating. 

Sirius clearly noticed. “Ok, let’s go,” he said.

He grabbed Remus’s hand, and together they walked out of the bathroom and towards the Great Hall. Remus smiled, still unable to believe that he was holding Sirius’s hand, walking with him, able to call him his boyfriend.

“You know,” Sirius said thoughtfully, “that’s my hoodie.”

“Is it?” asked Remus in mock surprise. 

“Yes, you idiot. You stole it from me last year. When we were in Hogsmeade.”

“To be fair,” Remus laughed, “you gave it to me.”

“I did not!”

“Yes, you did. I was cold and you gave it to me.”

Sirius frowned. “You didn’t give it back, though.”

Remus shrugged. “You didn’t ask for it.”

“You’re such an asshole,” Sirius laughed. 

He stopped, spun Remus around, and kissed him. Remus was surprised for a minute, but quickly melted into the kiss. He was sure that there was nothing he enjoyed more than kissing Sirius. 

Remus laughed, stepping away from Sirius. “You can’t win every argument just by kissing me, Black.”

“Oh really?” Sirius asked. “Is that a challenge?”

He moved suddenly, pushing Remus against the wall of the corridor and kissed him deeply. Remus returned it with equal passion and enthusiasm, wrapping his arms around Sirius’s neck. 

“Do I win?” Sirius asked breathlessly, a few minutes later. 

Remus laughed, equally breathless. “Alright, fine. I stole the hoodie. But you still can’t have it back.”

Sirius pouted playfully. “Please?”

“Nope! You should have thought of that before you gave it to me.”

“I didn’t peg you as a hoodie thief, though,” Sirius whined.

“Oh, be quiet,” Remus laughed. “If I kiss you again, will you stop complaining?”

Sirius perked up at that. “Please?”

Laughing, Remus pulled Sirius back down and kissed him. They stood there, alone in the corridor, for a few minutes. Remus was pretty sure that his brain had short-circuited a while ago. All he could process was something along the lines of “holy fuck, he’s kissing me.” And honestly, he was totally fine with that. 

Eventually, Remus said, “We should probably head to breakfast. James and Peter will be wondering where we are.”

Sirius sighed, then nodded. He took Remus’s hand, and they walked slowly to breakfast together. Sirius couldn’t help the massive grin on his face. He was so unbelievably happy to have Remus by his side, to call him his boyfriend. 

The pair slid onto the long bench, at the end of the Gryffindor table. James and Peter were opposite them, and James was in the middle of bothering Lily. 

“For the last time, would you please fuck off?” she asked.

“Evans, please. Just one date?”

“I would rather date the Giant Squid,” she said firmly. 

James sighed loudly, putting his head down on the table. Peter patted his back in some form of fake sympathy. 

Lily turned to Remus, grinning slightly when she saw Remus and Sirius’ joined hands. She raised her eyebrow, and Remus nodded, smiling slightly. “Morning, Remus!” she said brightly.

James jerked up. “What? Since when are you friends with Evans, Remy?”

Remus shrugged. “A while, I guess. I’m not sure.”

James looked back and forth between Remus and Lily, the disbelief evident on his face. “Why? Why are you friends with him, Evans? I thought you hated us.”

“Because,” Lily said, “unlike you, Remus isn’t an unbelievably conceited asshole, and is actually a very nice person.”

James looked accusingly at Remus. “And you never thought to tell me that you’re friends with her?”

Remus shrugged again. “It never came up. And don’t even think about trying to use me to get with her. It won’t work.”

Under the table, Sirius took hold of Remus’s hand again, squeezing gently. He wanted nothing more than to lean over and kiss him. But Remus would probably murder him, and not getting murdered by his new boyfriend was pretty high on Sirius’s list of priorities. 

Instead, he decided to change the subject. “You know who’s a complete bitch?” he asked. “Madam Pince.”

“Why? What did you do this time?” Peter asked.

“She gave me and Remy detention. With McGonagall.”

“Holy shit,” James whistled. “Remy? Getting detention? What’d you do?”

Remus quickly looked at Sirius, trying to signal with his eyes. He was not ready to come out to James and Peter and anyone else who might overhear. Luckily, Sirius noticed and understood.

“We snuck into the library before it opened. She caught us, and wasn’t very happy,” said Sirius.

“Why the hell would you be in the library so early?” James asked. 

“Remus and I both happened to wake up early, and Remus needed to look something up, so I graciously volunteered to go with him.”

“Beats me why you would ever need to work that early, but whatever.” James shrugged. 

“Anyway,” said Peter, “does anyone understand what’s going on in Transfiguration? Because we have it first period, and I don’t get it.” 

James nodded, launching into some complicated explanation. Sirius turned to Remus. “You have no idea how badly I want to kiss you right now,” he whispered. 

Remus grinned. “Later,” he said.

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have some nice wolfstar fluff <3  
> also all of your reactions the last chapter were pure gold
> 
> my friend and i crashed a cast party last night and it was cool bc it's the first party i've ever been at where i'm not incredibly anxious. i think it was because it was almost entirely freshman/underclassmen, and i'm a senior. it was cool. i played some just dance, which i have never been able to do before because of anxiety. not very good at it, but still fun. because i'm gay as fuck, even tho i don't listen to any pop anymore, i danced to baby one more time and california gurls 
> 
> stay safe, take care of yourselves, drink some water, and say out loud something that you like about yourself <3  
> ktf xolyn


	16. At Least Put a Fucking Sock on the Doorknob

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning

At exactly 5:00, Sirius and Remus found themselves waiting anxiously outside of Professor McGonagall’s office. Sirius took a deep breath, then knocked. “Come in.”

The two boys stepped inside. Professor McGonagall was seated at her desk. “Ah,” she said. “Mr. Black. Again. And Mr. Lupin! What a surprise.”

Remus looked down. Sirius grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently, smiling softly at him. “Now,” said Professor McGonagall, “Irma forgot to enlighten me as to why the two of you are here. So, what have you gotten up to this time?”

“PDA,” said Sirius.

“Sneaking into the library,” said Remus, at exactly the same time.

“Hmm.” She frowned. “Well, Madam Pince assigned you both lines, so get to it.” She gestured towards two desks at the front of the room, each with a long piece of parchment on it.

Sirius slipped into his seat and began writing mindlessly. He wasn’t thinking about his work, just about how much he wanted to be kissing Remus right now. His wrist ached. He fucking hated detention.

Remus felt like shit, to be honest. As amazing as the day had been, the dark cloud of depression had been creeping up on him. It hit him when he was most of the way through his lines. 

He hurried to finish them, then handed the sheet to Professor McGonagall. “I’ll wait for you outside,” he whispered to Sirius, who was only about two-thirds of the way done. Sirius nodded.

Remus left the office and went straight to the bathroom. He locked himself in the farthest stall, pulled out his trusty blade, and rolled up his sleeve. His wrist was covered in scars. Thanks to Lily, there were no new cuts, as they had all been healed inadvertently by the strength of her healing charm.

He dragged the blade easily across his arm a few times, watching the little droplets of bright red blood well up, a stark difference against his pale arm. He knew he had to be careful, as Sirius was probably going to watch him much more closely.

He cleaned himself up, washed his hands, and went back to the door of Professor McGonagall’s office. He sat on the bench a few paces away, leaning against it, lost in thought. He was thinking about Sirius, as he always did. Now, though, Sirius was his. 

After only a few minutes, Sirius came out of the office. His eyes landed on Remus, and his mouth split into a wide grin. He held out his hand dramatically, and helped Remus to his feet. Then, he kissed him, hard. They stumbled backwards, and Sirius’s back hit the wall. He grunted softly, but didn’t break the kiss. 

A minute later, Remus pulled away, panting a little bit. “It’s probably not a good idea to make out in front of McGonagall’s office,” he said. “Especially seeing as how we literally just got out of detention for PDA.”

Sirius nodded. “A wise call, my dear Remus,” he said. “Shall we?”

He held out his hand, which Remus took. Swinging their arms a little bit, they walked back towards the Gryffindor Tower. “Oh shit,” Sirius said. “It’s probably about time for dinner.”

Remus shrugged. “I’m not hungry.”

Frowning, Sirius turned to him. “Remus, you have to eat.”

“I do eat,” Remus insisted.

“Bullshit. You hardly eat anything.”

Sirius had a very good point. Remus hardly ever ate, he usually just pushed food around on his plate and pretended to.

“Siri, I can’t eat right now.”

“Why not?”  
Remus bit his lip, avoiding looking at his boyfriend. Obviously, Sirius noticed. “Remy?”

“I’m too anxious,” Remus said slowly. “If I eat anything, I’ll definitely throw it up.”

Sirius’s face changed instantly. “Oh. It’s ok, Remy. You want to head back to the Tower? We can just hang out there.”

Remus nodded. Sirius smiled, pressing a soft kiss to the back of Remus’s hand. “I’ve got you, Remy,” he said. 

They made their way back to the Tower in relative silence. Everyone was at dinner, so they got into their dorm room without running into anyone. Remus was extremely thankful for that. 

Sirius kicked off his shoes and slid down onto the floor. He leaned against the foot of his bed, resting his head and closing his eyes. Remus sat down next to him, leaning his head on Sirius’s shoulder. 

They sat there for a while, not talking, not moving. Just enjoying each other’s company. Finally, Sirius asked, “You feeling a little better, Remy?”

Remus nodded, and Sirius grinned. He pulled Remus, who gave a surprised yelp, onto his lap, so that the smaller boy was straddling him. “Kiss me?” Sirius asked quietly.

He was so quiet, so unsure of himself. Remus had never seen him that way before. Sirius was a Black. He was confident, carried himself with the air of a Pureblood noble. Remus liked this new nervousness. He wasn’t the only one who was a little bit unsure, a little bit scared, in this new relationship.

Remus didn’t answer Sirius, just leaned down and pressed his lips against Sirius’s. He felt the older boy melt underneath him. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus’s neck. Remus slid his arms under Sirius’s, holding his boyfriend close to him. 

When they broke apart for breath, Sirius pressed his forehead against Remus’s. “I fucking love you, Remy,” he whispered.

“I love you too,” Remus replied. Fuck, he couldn’t believe how amazing it felt to say those words out loud, to have Sirius know what he meant. He had been dreaming of this, but never could have imagined it would ever actually happen.

“Fuck, Remus,” Sirius groaned. 

Remus gently shushed Sirius, a finger against Sirius’s lips. “Just kiss me,” he said softly. 

Then, without waiting for Sirius to comply with his request, he connected their lips again. It was slow and sweet and passionate. It was several years worth of feelings being conveyed through a single action. 

The door swung open, though neither Sirius nor Remus heard. “My eyes!” shrieked James. “My poor, innocent eyes!” 

Both Sirius and Remus heard that, though. Remus jumped, falling off of Sirius’s lap. Sirius froze. The door swung closed. 

“At least put a fucking sock on the doorknob,” James yelled. “Give a guy a warning, will you?”

“Shut up, James,” Sirius yelled back. “It’s not like we were fucking.”

“You might as well have been,” retorted James through the door. “Your tongue was in his fucking mouth, Sirius! And I had to see it! I don’t give a fuck what you do behind closed doors, but would you please leave me out of it?” 

Remus groaned, his face bright red. He buried it in his hands. Sirius looked over at him sympathetically. 

“Now,” James continued, “would you please finish up whatever activities are going on in there, so Peter and I can come in?”

Sirius gave Remus one last, quick kiss. “It’s fine, you can come in,” he called, though it was clearly very reluctant. 

The door opened again, this time extremely cautiously. James peered around the edge of the door. Seeming satisfied that he wasn’t being forced to witness anything, he opened the door the rest of the way, and he and Peter walked in. Sirius and Remus were still sitting on the floor, Remus’s face extremely red and Sirius grinning slightly.

James turned to look at Remus. “So, you and Sirius?” he asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi. enjoy the chapter. comment if you feel like it. idk
> 
> sorry i've just been feeling so fucking shitty mentally lately. especially yesterday/today (it's currently 12:18 am). school is kicking my ass and i'm so fucking done with life
> 
> take care of yourselves, drink some water, try to get some sleep. i love you all <3  
> ktf xolyn


	17. The Semantics of a Sock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning

“Why the fuck would I put a sock on the door?” Sirius asked.

James groaned. “For the last time, because I didn’t fucking want to see you two making out.” 

“Doesn’t mean I should have put a sock on the door. I would rather have had you walk in on that then assuming I’m fucking someone.”

Remus was laying on his bed, listening to James and Sirius pointlessly bicker. He didn’t care anymore. He rolled over and pulled a pillow over his head, sighing loudly and pointedly. James threw a shoe at him. 

“Just forget it,” Peter said. He had refused to take a side in the argument. 

James turned to Peter. “You’re just lucky I was in front,” he said. “Fucking traumatizing.”

“For the last time, it was not traumatizing!” Sirius exclaimed.

“His tongue was in his mouth,” James mouthed at Peter. Peter ignored him.

“I have an idea,” Remus said, his voice slightly muffled. “Why don’t you both shut the hell up.”

“Here’s an idea,” said James. “How about Sirius buys me bleach for my eyes and soul and brain, and then we can call it even.”

Remus sighed even louder. 

“Here’s another idea,” Sirius said mockingly. “How about you fuck off and stay out of other people’s business.”

“I think it becomes my business once I see it.” 

Sirius threw up his hands, exasperated. “I’m done with this fucking argument, James. I don’t care if you’re pissed.”

James chuckled. “Just don’t let it happen again.”

“No promises,” Sirius muttered. He walked over to Remus’s bed and flopped down next to him. He wrapped his arm around Remus and pulled him closer. 

Remus rolled over, cuddling up against Sirius. Sirius smiled. James pretended to vomit, and Peter kicked him. “I’m going to go get ready for bed,” Remus said after a minute. 

Sirius whined softly, but Remus got up, gathered his stuff, and walked into the bathroom. He locked the door, hands shaking slightly, then dropped his pajamas on the floor. He pulled his blade out of his pocket and dragged it across his wrist a few times. The bright red cuts criss-crossed over the jagged white scars. 

He pulled on his pajamas and brushed his teeth. Once his arm had stopped bleeding enough and he had flushed the bloody tissues, he left the bathroom and walked back towards his bed. Sirius was still laying on it. 

“Sirius, I’m exhausted,” Remus said.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. I’m going to bed.”

“Ok.”

Remus sighed, realizing what Sirius was doing. “Would you please get off of my bed?” 

Sirius shook his head. “Your bed is comfy. I don’t want to. Also, I want to cuddle.”

Remus dropped his clothes in a pile next to his bed. He didn’t have enough energy to care about them. He lay down on his bed, pressed a quick kiss on Sirius’s forehead, then shoved the older boy off. 

Sirius hit the floor rather hard. James burst out laughing. “Don’t ever underestimate Remy,” he said. 

Sirius groaned, stretched, then glared at Remus. “That was a dick move, Lupin.”

Remus shrugged, then pulled the curtains closed. A few minutes later, he heard the other boys getting into their beds as well. He was awake long after them. He was exhausted, but couldn’t seem to fall asleep. 

It was so fucking frustrating. He just wanted to cry. Everything hurt, he was anxious, depressed, so, so tired. Why couldn’t he just sleep? He groaned and rolled over again. The full moon was in two days, and he was not looking forward to it. 

Sirius could hear that Remus was still awake. He also knew how tired he was, and wondered why Remus was still up. He got up and tip-toed over to Remus’s bed. 

Remus sat up. Sirius had pulled back the curtains around his bed. “Can’t sleep?” Sirius asked softly. 

Remus nodded. 

“Wanna cuddle?”

Remus smiled, nodding again. Sirius grinned. He climbed into Remus’s bed, pulling the curtains closed behind him. He lay down next to Remus, wrapping his arm around Remus’s waist and pulling him close. 

Finally, Sirius felt Remus drifting off to sleep. He was holding Remus’s hand gently, looking at his boyfriend with admiration. Remus shifted slightly, and his sleeve moved up towards his elbow. 

Sirius was met with the sight of clearly fresh cuts on Remus’s pale wrist, crossing over many layers of thick scars. They couldn’t have been more than a few hours old. It felt as though Sirius had been stabbed in the heart. How could he not have noticed?

He ran his fingers over the cuts, gently, barely touching them. He looked back to Remus’s face. He looked more peaceful in his sleep than Sirius had ever seen him.

“Why, Remy?” he whispered. “Why?”  
He leaned down, brushing the hair off Remus’s forehead. He kissed it softly, murmuring promises to make sure Remus was ok. He tugged Remus’s sleeve back down and lay there, next to his boyfriend, thinking.

He needed to keep Remus safe. He needed to. It hurt him so badly to know that Remus was hurting that much. Hell, Remus had tried to kill himself yesterday. Of course he wasn’t ok. Sirius still needed to talk to Remus about that. He needed to know why.

“I love you, Remy,” he said, in a tone barely audible. “I love you so much, and I’m going to make sure you’re ok.” 

In his sleep, Remus moved closer to Sirius, unconsciously curling into his side. Sirius smiled softly. 

He closed his eyes, trying to fall asleep. For the first time in several weeks, he didn’t dream of finding Remus’s body, minutes too late to do anything. He dreamt of Remus, of kissing him softly, of holding him close, of shouting to the world that Remus was his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so fucking people-d out. it's exhausting. i can't do it. i just want to cry. my head hurts, and my eyes hurt, and i just want to sleep but i have homework and shit. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it. fuck everything
> 
> take care, i love you all sm   
> ktf xolyn


	18. Thank Fuck for Glamour Charms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning

Remus leaned back, resting his head on Sirius’s shoulder. The two boys were sitting at the edge of the lake. It was quiet; there was a slight breeze. They had been sitting there for a while. Sirius had insisted that they skip last period. Remus had suggested the lake. 

Finally, Sirius straightened up, turning to Remus. “Remy, we need to talk.” 

Remus stiffened, but didn’t say anything.

Sirius took a deep breath. “Last night,” he began, then paused, thinking. “Last night. In bed. I saw your arm.”

Remus froze for a second, then relaxed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said softly. 

“Don’t bullshit me, Remy, please.”

Remus bit his lip. He carefully slipped his wand into his hand, keeping it hidden with his sleeve, and waved it over his arm, wordlessly applying a glamour charm to his cuts. He had stayed behind in Charms, waving Sirius off and telling him to meet him in the Great Hall for lunch. He asked Professor Flitwick about glamour charms, and the tiny professor had been happy to teach him. Obviously, he hadn’t let Flitwick see the cuts, but it still worked out nicely.

“Can I see your arm?” Sirius asked quietly. 

Remus didn’t look at Sirius. He didn’t object, though, when Sirius gently took hold of his wrist. Sirius pushed up his sleeve, but frowned when he was met with only scars. There were no fresh cuts in sight. Remus gave a tiny sigh of relief.

Sirius’s fingers ghosted over the scars. There was no sign of any cuts. Sirius brought Remus’s arm to his lips, kissing the scars gently. He pulled Remus’s sleeve back down and let go of his arm. 

He brought his face close to Remus’s. “I love you,” he whispered, and pressed his lips softly against Remus’s. 

“I love you too,” Remus whispered back. 

Inside, though, all Remus could think was that he was so fucking thankful the glamour charm worked. He knew he couldn’t cover up the scars, because Sirius had seen them before. He would have known that Remus was using some sort of charm, and then he would have seen the cuts.

It hurt Remus to hide things from Sirius. But he had to, and it wasn’t the only thing he was hiding. They were on a need-to-know basis, and Sirius wasn’t on that list. Remus tried to brush away the guilt. It wasn’t guilt over cutting. He never felt guilty. He knew that was probably fucked up, that he should probably regret it. But he didn’t. He never did. He did feel a little bit guilty about essentially lying to Sirius.

It was for the best, though. Sirius didn’t need to know. Remus didn’t want him to worry. And it would all work out in the end. No one would find out, and, if they did, it wouldn’t matter anymore. 

Sirius stood up, helping Remus to his feet. He stood behind Remus, arms wrapped around him, looking out over the lake. “It’s so beautiful today,” Sirius murmured.

Remus hummed in agreement, still caught up in his thoughts. Sirius noticed, of course. “You good?”

“Hmm? Yeah, just thinking.” 

Sirius nodded understandingly. “Penny for your thoughts?”

Remus shook his head, smiling softly. Sirius looked at him fondly. “I love you,” they both said. 

Remus spun around, surprising Sirius by kissing him suddenly. He wasn’t surprised for long, though, and quickly deepened the kiss. It was quiet, aside from the sounds of nature. The breeze rustling the trees at the edge of the forest, a bird chirping somewhere. But they were alone, and it was perfect. 

Sirius pulled away. “Why did you go to the Astronomy Tower?”  
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Remus said instantly.

“Please, Remy,” Sirius begged. 

“I said no, Sirius,” Remus said firmly.

Sirius didn’t want to push it. “It’s ok,” he murmured. “You don’t have to talk about it.” 

Remus nodded and half-smiled gratefully. 

“I’m always here, though,” Sirius said. “You can always come to me, always talk to me. I love you.”

“Thanks,” Remus said softly. He really did appreciate it, even if he knew he would never do it. It’s not that he didn’t trust Sirius, he did. But he didn’t trust anyone, even Sirius, when it came to stuff like cutting or his suicidal thoughts. He had never really opened up about them at all. And he wasn’t ready to.

Besides, it was easier if he pretended everything was relatively ok. Sirius would be happy, and he could pretend to be happy. It had worked for several years. No one had suspected a single thing when they were all first years, or even during second or third year. It wasn’t until the end of last year that Sirius realized there was clearly something wrong with Remus. 

It wouldn’t matter soon, though. And Sirius could move on with his life, and so could James and Peter and Lily, and they would all forget the little ripple that was once Remus Lupin. And everyone could be happy. And Remus could be happy, for once. 

“We should probably head back pretty soon,” Remus said. “We’ve got a shit ton of homework to do tonight.”

Sirius groaned loudly. “Don’t remind me.”

Remus chuckled. “You know full well that if I don’t remind you, you won’t remember at all.”

“You have a point,” Sirius conceded. “But still. We are on a date, and I don’t want you marring that with homework.”

“Is this a date, then?” Remus asked, a little bit surprised. 

“Do you want it to be?”

“Yeah.”

“Then a date it shall be,” Sirius declared. He spun Remus around by one arm, then dipped him, kissing him passionately. 

When Remus was standing upright again, he grabbed Sirius’s hand. “Let’s go,” he said, gesturing towards the castle. “We have to.”

“Fine,” groaned Sirius, though he smiled as Remus pulled him towards the castle. He still couldn’t believe the butterflies he got in his stomach every time he looked at Remus, or kissed him, or felt their hands together. Fuck, he loved Remus so much. It was Remus and Sirius, Sirius and Remus, forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -vent/rant (tw)-  
> so i thought i was feeling better today. turns out that's not fucking true and i feel so fucking shitty. i got a comment on my latest instagram post, telling me to kms. i didn't realize how badly that affected me until i was on the way home from play practice, just driving in the dark by myself. the thoughts are so scary.   
> i realized, i'm writing so much as an outlet, projecting myself onto remus so i don't do something really fucking stupid. i have my play performance this saturday and sunday. i'm one of the leads. i need to be there. i also have to wear a short-sleeved outfit for part of it. this isn't the first time i've had a vague idea for after the play is over. i'm trying, but so much of me is just so tired of even bothering  
> so much doesn't even feel real anymore. i can hear my brother playing a video game in the other room, but it's so disconnected from me. it's almost midnight, i'm probably going to try to eat something and then go cry in the shower or some shit. i'm so emotionally/mentally/physically exhausted
> 
> take care of yourself, try to get some sleep, drink some water. i love you all so much  
> ktf xolyn


	19. Nothing Says Best Friends Like Drugging Them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mild trigger warning

“Where’s Remus? He’s still not here.”

James looked up from his Transfiguration homework. “I don’t know.”

Sirius frowned. He, James, and Peter were in the library doing homework. It was getting late, probably about 9:30 or so, and Remus still hadn’t shown up. He had disappeared shortly after dinner. No one had noticed him leave. Sirius was extremely worried.

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Peter said. 

“Yeah,” James nodded. “Besides, he looked kind of off all day. He said he wasn’t feeling well.”

James did have a point, Sirius realized. Remus had said he was feeling kind of sick all day, and Sirius didn’t question it. Remus looked like he was sick. Still, Sirius couldn’t help the little nagging voice in the back of his head, questioning everything and jumping to conclusions that Sirius didn’t want to think about.

Madam Pince walked by their table. “The library will be closing in exactly 3 minutes. I suggest you get going.”

The boys gathered up their books and started for the tower. Sirius was hoping that maybe they would run into Remus on the way there. They didn’t.

Upon entering their room, James dropped his books on the floor and flopped face-first onto his bed. “I fucking hate school,” he groaned. Peter nodded sympathetically.

Sirius looked around, hoping that Remus was in here, maybe reading on his bed or something. He wasn’t. The bathroom door was open, and there was no one on there, either. The full moon shone through the window, bathing the room in a beautiful, pale, peaceful light. 

“Remus isn’t here,” Sirius said. “It’s passed curfew now, and he’s not back. I didn’t see him in the common room either.”

“I’m sure he’s fine,” James said. “If he wasn’t feeling well, he probably went to the hospital wing.”

“I’m going to go see.”

James stood up to block Sirius. “No, you aren’t. There’s no way you’ll be able to get all the way there, find Remus, and get back, without getting caught. You don’t need more detention.”

“I’m really fucking worried about him,” Sirius said anxiously.

“Siri, he’s fine,” James said firmly. He grabbed Sirius’s shoulder and steered him back into the center of the room. “You look exhausted. You need to sleep. You can’t help Remus if you’re sick as well.” 

“Fine,” Sirius muttered, though he knew there was no way he would be able to get much sleep. He was too worried about Remus, would be unable to stop thinking about the endless possibilities, all horrifying. 

A few minutes later, at James’s insistence, Sirius was laying in his bed, trying to get to sleep. His mind was racing, and he knew he would probably be up for hours. He sat up, reaching for the glass of water on his bedside table. He frowned at the slightly sweet taste. 

A wave of exhaustion hit him, and he flopped back down, yawning. “Son of a bitch,” he yelled in realization. 

“I’m sorry, Siri,” said James. 

It was the last thing Sirius remembered before he fell into a deep sleep, punctuated with horrible images of Remus. 

James felt a little bit bad about slipping Sirius a sleeping draught, but not that bad. Sirius was exhausted, and James could see how worried he was about Remus. He needed to sleep. Being sleep-deprived wouldn’t help anyone, especially Remus.

Remus howled loudly, throwing himself against the wall of the Shrieking Shack. There was a little bit of moonlight coming in where one of the slats on the window had cracked. Remus growled at it, teeth bared. 

It was utter agony. Everything hurt. He ripped and tore at his flesh, howling in pain and relief. Blood was splattered everywhere in the small room. The curtains and sheets of the large bed were torn to shreds. The furniture was all broken. 

In the morning, he finally felt himself shifting back. This was worse than last time. The pain was so fucking unbearable. He felt himself vomiting on the floor from how bad it was. He collapsed, crying, tearing at his hair. He lay there, unable to move. 

He heard the door open, and the small gasp of Madam Pomfrey. It must look bad in here. He felt himself be lifted up by a charm. He knew it was Dumbledore. He and Madam Pomfrey escorted Remus to the Shack every full moon, and locked him in. Then, they came back to get him the following morning. 

They went back through the tunnel, out, across the grounds, and to the hospital wing. He was always in one of the little private rooms in the back. Dumbledore set him down gently on the bed, then excused himself. 

He was covered in cuts and bruises. Everything hurt so much. Madam Pomfrey set to work, healing the deep gashes. The previous night, Remus had applied several layers of glamour charms to his wrist. How Madam Pomfrey had never noticed them before, Remus wasn’t sure. But now, he knew she wouldn’t. 

When Sirius woke up that morning, his first thought was that he should murder James in his sleep for drugging him. Although he had had several horrible dreams about Remus, the most prominent one featuring Remus getting mauled by a werewolf, he had still gotten a decent amount of sleep and felt well-rested.

His second thought, immediately after, was of Remus. He looked over at Remus’s bed, but it was still empty. There was no sign Remus had been there at all during the night. Sirius pulled on some clothes and decided that he was going to go see if Remus was in the hospital wing. 

He scribbled a note explaining where he was and stuck it to James's forehead with a sticking charm. Then, he hurried out of the room and started off for the hospital wing.

He got there quickly, having run most of the way. He scanned the large room, but all of the beds were empty. “Madam Pomfrey?” he called softly.

A minute later, the nurse came bustling out of a back room. “What can I do for you today, Mr. Black? You seem to be in perfect health.”

“I was actually wondering if Remus was here. He wasn’t in the dorm last night, and I’m a little bit worried about him.” It was more like worried about him a lot, but it was fine. He had to be here, right? He had to be ok. 

“Yes, he is, as a matter of fact,” Madam Pomfrey said.

Sirius let out a huge sigh of relief. “Oh, thank fuck,” he breathed. “Can I see him?”

“I’m afraid not,” the nurse said. “He’s not feeling very well, and doesn’t want any visitors right now.”

Sirius frowned. “Please?”

“No. Come back in a few hours, Mr. Black, and then we can see if Mr. Lupin is feeling up for visitors. Especially ones as rowdy as you and Mr. Potter. I assure you that he is doing fine and is in excellent hands.”

“Ok,” Sirius said, already plotting a way to sneak into the hospital wing early to see Remus. 

He turned to go, thanking Madam Pomfrey. If he got James’s invisibility cloak, he would probably be able to get in without Madam Pomfrey noticing, especially if she was occupied with something like paperwork. He went back to the dorm room to see if James would let him use it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another update :)  
> i think today might be better, i'm not sure. i haven't left the house yet, so that's helping. i have to leave later for play practice this evening, though, and make a phone call so hopefully that doesn't make things worse  
> thank you all so much for being so caring and shit, it honestly means so much to me. your comments always make my day, and make me so fucking happy, you have no idea  
> leave your assumptions about me in the comments and i'll let you know whether you're right or not. i'm actually really curious as to how you guys perceive me, ya know?
> 
> eat something, drink some water, take your meds. try to get some sleep. i love you all sm <3
> 
> kft xolyn


	20. i am still pretty tipsy so i apologize in advance

When Sirius got back to the dorm room, James was in the bathroom trying to tame his hair. It never worked, and Sirius didn’t know why he even bothered anymore. “James!”

James turned around. He still had the note stuck to his forehead. “You,” he said, pointing at Sirius, “are an asshole. Why did you use such a powerful sticking charm?”

“I didn’t mean to,” said Sirius, frowning. He pulled out his wand, removing the note.

“How’s Remus?” asked Peter, who was standing in the doorway. 

“Not sure,” Sirius said. “He’s in the hospital wing, apparently. In a private room, cause I didn’t see him in there. I talked to Pomfrey though, and she wouldn’t let me in to see him. Says he can’t have visitors right now.”

“But he’s ok?” James asked.

“I think so? She said he was fine, but wouldn’t let me in.”

Peter frowned. “I’m sure he’ll be fine,” he said.

“Can I borrow your invisibility cloak?” Sirius asked, turning to James. “I’m going to try and sneak in to see Remus.”

James sighed. “Fine. Do it. I don’t care. You don’t need to get in more trouble this year, though.”

Sirius grinned. “I’ll be fine.”

James shook his head, and pulled his cloak out of his trunk, handing it to Sirius. “Be careful,” he said.

“Yes, mother,” Sirius said teasingly. 

He hurried out of the common room and pulled it. He headed straight for the hospital wing. He got there in record time, the promise of potentially seeing his boyfriend spurring him on.  
He waited outside, until he saw Madam Pomfrey go into her little office, and the door close behind her. He tip-toed through the ward, to the row of three little rooms in the back. One of them was closed, and it had a ‘No Visitors’ sign on it. “Bingo,” he whispered.

He tried the knob, and was surprised to find it unlocked. He slipped in quietly. A white curtain was drawn around the bed. Sirius looked around, making sure the room was empty. He walked slowly around the bed, to the opposite side, where he wouldn’t be visible from the door, and took off the cloak. He pulled the curtain back. “Remy?”

He was completely unprepared for what he was about to see. Remus was asleep in bed, quite a few bandages wrapped around him. His face was badly bruised. Remus wasn’t sick. It looked like he had been beaten up.

Remus stirred, and Sirius watched anxiously. “Remy? What the fuck happened?” he whispered, mostly to himself.

“Siri?”

“Yeah, I’m here, Remy.”

“Fuck,” whispered Remus. “What the fuck are you doing here? I thought Pomfrey wasn’t letting anyone in.”

Sirius was still horrified, staring in shock at Remus. “I snuck in. What happened?”

Remus was clearly very panicked, trying to think of something on the spot. “I-I don’t know?”

“Bullshit! You disappeared last night without telling anyone anything, and then you show up all bruised and cut the next morning in the hospital wing!”

Remus looked away, not saying anything. 

“Remus, please!”

“I can’t, Sirius, ok? I can’t.” Remus sounded like he was on the verge of tears.  
It broke Sirius’s heart to hear him sound that way. “Please, Remy,” he begged. “I just want you to be ok. Who did it?”

“No one.”

“That’s some fucking bullshit. Someone had to have beaten you up.”

“No one did, Siri. Ok?”

“Remus-”

“No.” Remus raised his arm, cutting him off firmly. He winced at the sudden movement. Sirius noticed.

“Remus- I- are those scratches?”

Remus’s eyes widened. His arm disappeared under the blanket. “No,” he said, a little too quickly. 

“Remus, what the fuck?”

Sirius was kind of freaking out. Something was clearly off. None of this made sense. Remus had disappeared without a warning, then turned up in the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey had said he wasn’t feeling well, but he clearly wasn’t sick. He looked like he had been beaten up, but was claiming no one did it. And now the scratches?

“Hold on a sec.” The cogs in Sirius’s head were whirring, his mind working faster than it had in months. He thought back, trying to remember everything. A little, nagging thought pushed at the back of his head, but he ignored it, thinking it was too ridiculous.

Wait. Was it, though? Sirius bit his lip. All the evidence lined up. It would make sense. But how would Remus have managed to keep it a secret? How would he have not noticed? 

“Remus, are- are you-”

“Sirius, leave.”  
“What?” Sirius stepped back, shocked. 

“You heard me. Leave.” Sirius had never heard Remus’s voice so harsh, so firm.

“Remy-”

“Sirius. Leave. Please.”

“Remy, I-”

Remus sighed. “If you like me, Sirius, if you really like me, then leave.”

Sirius frowned. It didn’t feel right, leaving Remus like this. He didn’t want to push it, though. He turned to go, pulling on the cloak as he did so. “I love you, Remy.”

Remus smiled, though it was clearly forced. “I love you too, Sirius.” At least that sounded sincere, if a little bit strained.

Sirius crept out of the room and past Madam Pomfrey’s office. All of this was so fucking weird. It didn’t add up. And, where it did, Sirius didn’t want to think about. Remus would have told him, right? He, or James, or Peter, would have noticed. There was no way Remus would be able to hide something that big, right?

Sirius shook his head, trying to clear the thoughts. He walked slowly back to the Gryffindor Tower, thinking. It was still pretty early, and he didn’t feel like getting breakfast. Or going to class, for that matter. 

He would probably skip, maybe go to the lake. It was quiet there, and peaceful, and he could think. He needed to figure this out.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone :)  
> the play went amazingly. it was great. we had our last performance sunday aftenoon/evening (it's currently just past midnight). i got EXTREMELY tipsy at the cast party (i was the only one, i stole a large amount of very strong margarita from concessions). i got home in one piece tho, and my parents didn't notices (which is good bc i'm under the legal drinking age). anyways i'm still pretty tipsy so i apologize for any errors or shit, also that this is long- i ramble when i drink
> 
> anyways take care of yourselves, i love of all so much
> 
> ktf xolyn


	21. You Can't Just Ask Someone if They're a Werewolf

“Do you think something’s up with Remus?” asked Sirius, pulling off the invisibility cloak.

James started violently. “Holy fuck, dude. You can’t just sneak up on someone like that.”

“Sorry.” Sirius tossed the cloak in James’s general direction. “But seriously, do you think something’s up with Remus?” 

James frowned. “Maybe? I don’t know. Do you?”

Sirius sat down on the chair opposite James, pulling the book out of his hands and tossing it onto the floor. “Yeah.”

“What?”

Sirius bit his lip. “You can’t laugh. I know it sounds ridiculous at first, but when you think about it, all the evidence is there.”

Peter leaned in closer. “We won’t laugh.”

“Promise?”

“Promise,” James replied.

“I think Remus is a werewolf.”

“I’m sorry, you what?” James asked incredulously.

Sirius buried his face in his hands. “Forget it,” he mumbled.

“Sirius, I’m not saying I think you’re wrong. I’m just surprised. Also, don’t forget about all the anti-werewolf legislation and shit. There’s no way he would be able to hide it from Dumbledore or the other teachers.”

“I know, I know. But it still makes sense.”

“Explain?” Peter asked.   
“Ok. So I snuck in to see Remus. He was in one of the back rooms. I’m almost positive that he wasn’t sick.”

“Then why was he there?” asked James.

“It looked like he had been beaten up, badly. He was covered in cuts and bruises. He wouldn’t tell me what happened, and said no one did it. There were also scratches, like animal scratches, on his arm. He shut me down, and then kicked me out. He wouldn’t tell me anything.”

“Sirius-”

“What was last night?”

“What?”

“What was last night?” Sirius repeated.

“It was the full moon,” breathed Peter.

James looked skeptically at Sirius. “Feels like a coincidence,” he said. 

“In the last 5 years, how many times has Remus mysteriously disappeared, and then claimed he was sick or had some sort of family emergency? Remember how he was so sore on the train ride here? The night before was a full moon.”

“Are you sure?” James asked, at this point just trying to find anything to disprove Sirius’s surprisingly logical idea.

“James, I triple-checked the charts and shit. Trust me, I’m sure.”

Frowning, James nodded. “Ok. Anything else?”

“I think I know how he does it. Dumbledore and the other teachers have to know. But I was talking to one of the 7th years, and they said that the Shrieking Shack wasn’t haunted until our first year. The Whomping Willow was planted our first year. You know how often people hear ‘ghosts’ in the Shack? Once a month. I think that’s where he transforms.”

“Fuck,” breathed James slowly. “I think you have a really good point.”

“But we can’t just ask him,” Peter pointed out.

Sirius shrugged. “I will.”

“Sirius,” hissed Peter, “you can’t just ask someone if they’re a werewolf.”

Sirius shrugged again. “I don’t care. I’ll do it.”

James was torn. On one hand, he really wanted to know. It made too much sense. On the other, Peter was right. You can’t just ask someone if they’re a werewolf. That was crossing way too many lines. “I don’t know,” he said. 

“Look,” said Sirius. “I’ll ask him. It’ll be fine. Besides, he’s my boyfriend.” Fuck, even in this serious situation, he still got butterflies every time he even thought about Remus as his boyfriend. It made him warm inside. He still couldn’t believe it was true.

“Wait, hold up, hold up,” James said. “So you guys are official.”

Sirius nodded, grinning. 

“Congrats,” James said. “But seriously, don’t let it get messy. I don’t want to get caught up in drama. So don’t fuck this up.”

“I won’t.” Sirius waved a hand in James’s direction. “Never you worry, Potter.”

Peter looked at his watch. “Damn it, it’s time for class. We should probably get going.”

“I’m ditching,” Sirius said.

“Sirius, you cannot keep ditching class,” James said. “You need to come.”

“I’m not. You guys go ahead. I’ll probably show for second period.”

James sighed. “Fine. Whatever. It’s your life, not mine.”

“Exactly.” Sirius grinned and patted James on the shoulder. “Anyways, you boys should best be off to class. I’m going down to the lake. I need to think.”

James turned to Peter. “Did I hear that right? Is Sirius Black going to think?”

Peter chuckled. Sirius threw a shoe at James. He missed. James rolled his eyes, and he and Peter took off for class. Sirius flopped face-first onto his bed, exhaling heavily into his pillow. 

“What the fuck,” he mumbled. “What the fuck is going on, Remy.”

It all made sense. Sirius wasn’t just paranoid. Something big was obviously up with Remus, and Sirius was determined to find out. He didn’t want it to be true. Who in their right mind wants their boyfriend to be a werewolf?

The only question was about how Remus got into the school. Sirius, being from a Noble family, as well as possessing an extremely basic knowledge of the Wizarding World, was well aware of all the anti-werewolf laws in place. There were laws about employment, salaries, adoptions, and all sorts of other things. Sirius thought they were absolute bullshit. 

The one that posed a problem to his theory was the law that stated that werewolves could not be allowed entry to any Wizarding school. They could be homeschooled, or a tutor could be hired, but the law was very clear. If Remus was a werewolf, either he had found some way to hide it from all the teachers, or Dumbledore had allowed him in. 

The first option was extremely unlikely. There was no way Remus would be able to hide his transformations from the staff. The second option was plausible. Dumbledore was definitely not the most sane of people, and had quite a few mad ideas. Sirius wouldn’t put something like this past him.

Honestly, the only thing to do was to straight up ask Remus. Sirius resolved to do it as soon as Remus got out of the hospital wing. Hopefully, that would be this afternoon. He stood up, brushing his hair out of his eyes, and headed for the lake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey hey my sexy people. what is up i hope you enjoy this chapter :)  
> in regards to my last update, please don't drink if you're underage, unless ur like at home with ur parents or some shit like that, ya know? also definitely please don't drink and drive. that's bad and dangerous. also hangovers fucking suck
> 
> anyways, stuff's been shit and i feel like shit. i have no idea what i'm doing. i haven't gone to my stats class in months, and haven't turned in any physics assignments this quarter. i feel like part of it is bc i was just operating on the assumption that i would probably do something stupid the night the play was over, and then it wouldn't matter. but i didn't (came close tho, also why i was doing dangerous and stupid shit). i'm so fucking tired of it all. i'm a month clean, but i want to relapse so badly. idek what the point is anymore. who knows if i'm going to be able to make it to graduation. yeah, i have plans for next year, but next year won't matter if i can't make it through this year. idk
> 
> take care of yourselves, eat something, drink some water, try to get some sleep. i love you all so much <3  
> ktf xolyn


	22. In Which Sirius Kind of Majorly Fucks Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning

Sirius was kind of panicking. He had gone back to the hospital wing, to see if he would be allowed to visit Remus. Madam Pomfrey told him that Remus didn’t want any visitors. She wouldn’t say why. She did say that he was probably being released soon.

Sirius was pacing back and forth in front of the hospital wing, waiting. His mind was racing. He desperately wanted to ask Remus, to know the truth. But at the same time, he was afraid that Remus would get mad, or would shut him out. 

Someone coughed slightly. Sirius looked up. Remus was standing in the doorway, shifting his weight back and forth. “Hey,” he said quietly.

Sirius practically ran over to him. “Remy!”

Remus smiled. He kissed Sirius softly. 

“How are you feeling?” asked Sirius anxiously.

“Fine.”

Sirius groaned inwardly. ‘Fine’ wasn’t an answer, and Remus knew that. It was avoiding the question. It was the answer when you were anything but ok, but it was the socially acceptable answer. “Really, Remy?” 

Remus nodded. “I’m fine.”

Sirius knew that Remus would just repeat that he was fine, especially when he wasn’t. But Sirius didn’t want to push it, especially not with the conversation that was looming over them. He did look ok, Sirius would give him that. There were no signs of any cuts or bruises. He was a little bit pale, but that wasn’t unusual for Remus. 

Then, a wave of realization hit Sirius. He pushed it away for now, and gently took hold of Remus’s hand. “Shall we?” he asked, gesturing grandly towards the stairs.

Remus grinned. He allowed Sirius to lead him up the stairs. In relative silence, the two boys made their way back to the Gryffindor Tower. It was empty, as everyone was still in class. Remus followed Sirius up the stairs to their dorm room.  
Sirius closed the door firmly behind them, and stood with his back against it. He took a deep breath. “Drop the glamours,” he said.

Remus stiffened. “What?”

“You heard me, Remy,” Sirius said softly. “Drop the glamours.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Remus wouldn’t look in Sirius’s direction. 

“Remus, please,” begged Sirius, grabbing one of Remus’s hands. 

Remus pulled his hand away, crossing his arms and curling inwards.

“How much shit are you hiding, Remy?” 

“It’s none of your fucking business,” said Remus, his voice unimaginably cold. 

Sirius winced. “Please, Remy?”

“I already said no.”

Remus tried to push past Sirius, but he was blocking the door and significantly taller and stronger. Sirius grabbed Remus’s arm, and the smaller boy let out a small gasp of pain. Sirius dropped his arm as if it had burned him. Remus had tears in his eyes, but Sirius only saw them for a split second, before Remus flipped his hair in front of his face.

“I know you’re a werewolf,” Sirius blurted out.

Remus froze. Everything was completely still, completely silent. Sirius’s head pounded, and he cursed himself for being so fucking tactless. And then Remus was gone. All in an instant, he pushed past Sirius, opened the door, and took off running. Sirius was still frozen, staring at the open door, unable to move. 

Then, something inside Sirius snapped into action. He took off as well, chasing Remus. He saw the portrait hole swinging closed, and he burst through it. He saw Remus going downstairs, and he followed him.  
Sirius ran out onto the grounds, looking around frantically for Remus. He didn’t know which way he had gone. This was bad. Sirius had majorly fucked up, and he knew it. He decided to look by the lake first, as he knew Remus often went there to be alone. 

Remus was standing on a tall rock overlooking the lake. His back was to Sirius, and he was holding something in his hand. Sirius was pretty sure he was crying. He slowly walked towards him, trying to be as quiet as possible.

Of course, he stepped on a twig. The snapping echoed around him. Remus turned around, tears streaming down his face. The glamours were gone, and he was covered in cuts and bruises. Sirius was pretty sure he had a few stitches along one cheek. And was that a blade in his hand?

“Go away, Sirius,” Remus said, a little bit shakily.

“You know I won’t,” Sirius replied softly. 

Remus held up his hand, and the sunlight glinted off of the blade. “Go away.”

Sirius inhaled sharply. “Remus-”

“I said to fucking go away.” He set the blade against his wrist.

Sirius let out a strangled sound, but didn’t move. “Remus, listen to me.”

“No! Go away, Sirius.” A dry sob burst from Remus’s lips, and Sirius watched helplessly as Remus sank to his knees, still keeping the blade to his wrist and his eyes on Sirius.

“Put the blade down, Remy,” Sirius said softly.

“Just fucking go,” Remus sobbed. “I don’t want your fucking sympathy! Don’t fucking pretend to care!”

“Remus, I do care. I care so fucking much.”

“That’s what everyone always says,” Remus scoffed. “They all pretend to care, claim that they care so much, but they never do. They find out, and then suddenly it’s ‘different’ because I’m not worth it any more. I know how it works.”

“Please, Remy. I care so much. I love you.” 

“Just fuck off!” Remus yelled. 

Sirius’s heart dropped. That tone, that expression, it didn’t fit Remus. There was so much pain, so much hatred, it was unbearable. “Please, Remy.” He broke off, his voice cracking a little bit. 

“Leave,” spat Remus.

“You know I can’t do that, Remy,” Sirius said. He took a step towards Remus.

Remus waved the blade in Sirius’s direction. “Don’t fucking come any closer!” He set it back against his wrist. “I’ll do it!”

Sirius reached out a hand. “Remus-”

“Just go, Sirius! I’m tired of everyone’s fake sympathy. Don’t give me yours.” He closed his eyes, trying to hold back the sobs.

Sirius was frozen, forced to watch helplessly as the tears streamed down Remus’s cheeks. Remus’s hands were shaking, and he still held the blade against his wrist. 

Sirius watched in horror as his hand moved, dragging the blade down his wrist. Remus’s eyes shot open and he dropped the blade. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he stammered. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

Sirius sprang into action. He rushed towards Remus, sprinting up the rock and pulling Remus into his arms. He ran his wand over the cut, healing it instantly. It wasn’t that deep, but still needed attention. Sirius Vanished the blade, prompting Remus to let out an indignant noise. 

“Remy, we need to talk about everything,” Sirius said softly, pulling his boyfriend close to him. 

“We don’t have to talk about shit,” Remus said bitterly.

Sirius sighed. “I’ll go to Dumbledore.” He hated threatening Remus, he hated it so much. But he knew that if Remus didn’t talk to anyone, it would get very bad very quickly. 

“Fine.” 

Sirius smiled. He pressed a kiss to the top of Remus’s head. “It’ll be ok, Remy,” he said.

Remus didn’t say anything. The truth was, it wouldn’t be fine. He was too fucked up for it to be fine. But soon enough, it would all be over. He wouldn’t have to deal with any of this shit, and it would all be ok. Soon. And Remus couldn’t wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got the recording of my play. it was amazing, except i'm not at all happy with my performance. also i look so bad it one of the costumes. all i can focus on is how much it emphasizes how fucking fat i am. also, i don't look or sound anything like myself. cause i had to wear this rlly long dark wig (my hair is super short and blonde-ish), i didn't wear my glasses, my makeup was several shades too light, and i was talking in a higher/head voice. idk. everyone else was amazing tho
> 
> i can't even describe my emotions. i'll go from being relatively ok/numb to wanting to die so fucking badly. after i got out of class today, i watched robin williams clips on youtube for like 2 and a half hours. and it was so fucking numb. and now i'm just so fucking sad. what am i even doing anymore
> 
> i'm hopefully going to record a cover in the next day or two. that might help, idk (i post covers of songs on instagram)
> 
> take care, i love you all sm <3  
> ktf xolyn


	23. Fuck Remus Instead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning

Remus was standing on the top of the Astronomy Tower. He closed his eyes and stretched out his arms. feeling the wind rushing over him. It was crisp and cool and strong and powerful. He took another step forward, smiling slightly as he did.

“Remus!”

Remus ignored the voice and stepped forward again.

“Remy!”

His hands were on the railing. He felt the cool metal beneath his finger tips.

“Remus!”

He was climbing over the railing. The voice kept calling his name, but he ignored it. It sounded familiar, but Remus couldn’t quite place it.

One hand was on the railing, keeping him steady. He leaned out. There was a thrill at the imminent danger, at the thought of just letting go. It would all be over so soon. He could let go, and then he would fall, fall, fall. And then nothing.

Remus was shaking. The wind rushed over him, filling his head with white noise. He could barely hear the voice calling out his name. He just wanted to let go. He just wanted it all to be quiet. He just wanted peace. He just wanted to be happy. Was that too much to ask? His fingers clenched around the railing.

Remus opened his eyes. He was sitting on a rock by the lake. Sirius was sitting next to him, shaking him and calling his name. Remus bit his lip and looked away, blinking back tears.

“Remy?” Sirius asked softly. “You ok?”

“I’m fine,” spat Remus, trying to mask the pain with anger.

Sirius frowned, knowing it was a lie. He didn’t push it, though. He knew Remus was already mad at him. It was fair, he would give Remus that. But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

Sirius looked back at Remus. The younger boy was crying; he had given up any attempt at trying to stop the tears. He slumped against Sirius, letting the tears stream down his face and onto the front of Sirius’s sweater. Sirius felt his heart break, looking at his boyfriend in so much pain.

He wrapped his arms around Remus, pulling him closer against his chest. Remus relaxed into the hug, going limp against Sirius. They sat there in silence, Remus crying and Sirius just holding him. And somehow, it just felt right.

“Why?” whimpered Remus, mostly to himself. “Why does it have to be me?”

Sirius didn’t say anything. He didn’t move. He just waited.

“It’s not fucking fair. Why can’t I just be happy?”

It was at that moment that a tear rolled down Sirius’s cheek. He pulled Remus into an even tighter hug. “I fucking love you, Remy,” he whispered. 

Sirius felt Remus smile against him, then Remus’s almost silent response, “I love you too.” Sirius was pretty sure his heart just about melted.

Remus cried until he could cry no more. Sirius just held him, let him cry. He wanted to do something more, but he didn’t know what Remus needed. 

“You wanna head back up to the castle?” 

Remus shrugged.

“Do you care?”

Again, Remus shrugged. He didn’t have the energy to make any decisions. Sirius understood.

“It’s ok,” he said. “Let’s go.”

Together, they walked hand in hand back up to the castle. They were walking up the third flight of stairs, when a sharp voice made them both stop.

“Mr. Black!”

Sirius winced, turning around. Professor McGonagall was standing at the bottom of the stairs, hands on her hips, glaring over her glasses at them. 

“And where, pray tell, were you this afternoon?”

Remus looked at Sirius, confused. 

“I wasn’t feeling well?” said Sirius, though it came out as more of a question.

“Hmm, I highly doubt that. Detention, 8:00, my office.”

“Wait-”

“No, Mr. Black, I’m afraid I will not wait. You chose to cut class, and I choose to make sure you serve your detention.”

Sirius groaned loudly. 

“Don’t be late,” she said, turning to go.

Sirius started up the stairs again, complaining loudly about detention. 

“Siri, why’d you skip class?” asked Remus.

Sirius shrugged. “Couldn’t think. Needed to clear my head.”

“Fair enough.”

Remus didn’t have the energy to talk, and Sirius was still pissed about detention, so it was quiet for the rest of the walk to their dorm. Sirius pushed the door open, and James jumped up off of his bed, walking quickly over to them.  
“You ok, Remy?” he asked, pulling Remus into a gentle hug.

Remus was surprised, but relaxed quickly. He nodded. “Yeah, fine. Thanks James.”

James looked at Sirius, and the two had a silent conversation. 

“Did you ask him?” James’s eyes asked.

“Yeah.”

“Bad?”

“Yup.”

“Fuck.”

“Oh yeah.”

Peter looked back and forth between the two of them. “Stop it! I know you’re doing the freaky fucking talking thing.”

“Sorry,” said James, not sounding sorry at all.

“Anyway,” said Sirius, “I fucking swear McGonagall is out for me. She gave me detention again today.”

“You did skip class,” pointed out James.

“I know, but since when does that warrant a detention?”

“Since forever,” said Peter.

“And you’ve cut class a lot this year,” James added. 

“Whatever,” groaned Sirius, flopping down on his bed. “Fuck school.”

“Fuck Remus instead,” James muttered. 

Remus turned dark red. Sirius didn’t move, but flipped James off from where he was laying. “Shut the fuck up,” he said, though it came out very muffled.

“Don’t forget, we have Astronomy tonight,” said Peter. 

Remus and Sirius both stiffened. Sirius knew what had happened a few days ago. Remus was thinking about his night- day- whatever- mare he had had that afternoon. He hadn’t been asleep, but he wasn’t at all aware of what was happening around him. The thoughts started to come, fast and relentless. 

He quickly stepped into the bathroom. Sirius was still laying face-down on the bed and didn’t notice. He reached into his pocket for his blade, but it wasn’t there. Fuck, where was it? He was way too careful to have lost it. He needed it so badly. There weren’t any in the bathroom, he kept one in his pocket and the rest hidden in his trunk. And the others were out there. Where was it, damnit?

Sirius. Sirius had Vanished it. He had taken it and Vanished it and Remus would never get it back. It had been his favorite blade. Fuck, he needed to cut so badly. Without even realizing, he let out a sob of frustration, pulling at his hair. “Fuck,” he whimpered. “I need it. Fuck, fuck.” 

There was a soft, panicked knock at the door. “Remus?”

It was Sirius fucking Black, the absolute last person that Remus wanted to see right now. He had taken Remus’s blade, and now Remus needed it so badly. Fuck, it hurt so much. He needed to cut. He needed the pain, to see the blood well up. He was so reliant on his blade. He knew it, but he didn’t give a damn. He needed it.

Sirius forced the door open. Remus was sitting on the bathroom floor, crying weakly and pulling at his hair. Sirius sank down onto his knees and brought Remus onto his lap, holding both of Remus’s hands firmly in his own.

“I need it,” sobbed Remus.

It hit Sirius what he was talking about. Sirius’s blood ran cold. Remus wanted to cut. 

Sirius rocked him back and forth, humming softly. “It’s ok,” he whispered. “You don’t need it. I’ve got you.”

“No, no, no! I needed it! Why did you take it?”

“Because it’s not good,” Sirius replied, keeping his voice very soft and steady. “You don’t need it.”

“I do,” Remus sobbed. “Please.”

“No,” Sirius said firmly. “I can’t let you.”

Sirius sat on the bathroom floor, leaning against the counter. Remus was sitting on his lap, crying into his chest for the second time that day. Sirius held both of Remus’s hands in his. Not hard, just firmly. 

“I’ve got you,” he whispered. “It’ll be ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter look at me go
> 
> i just wanted to say thank you. i have gotten an unbelievable amount of support from this story, both about the story itself and my notes. i appreciate it so fucking much. every single comment makes me smile, and i love you all so fucking much. i do recognize usernames and shit, and i do seriously consider you all my friends <3
> 
> also i'm currently playing a game of "how much can i queer-code my outfits at my super catholic school before someone calls me out on it. so far it's going amazingly, and my best friend (who i'm out to) really appreciates it and says they are all very gay. i saw a tiktok on instagram that was like "if i don't look like a queer-coded cartoon villain when i dress, what, pray tell, is the point in dressing at all" and i feel like that accurately sums me up. i'm also playing a game of "how gay can i be on my main insta story before someone calls out my bullshit." the answer is currently a whole fucking lot
> 
> take care of yourselves, drink some water, try to get some sleep. i love you all so much <3
> 
> ktf xolyn


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